My Friend Carol has asked for Armagedon.

Yes Carol you have asked me to bring the wrath of the Lord on us. Me making a video of me dancing, is like asking 40 Blue Whales to come ashore and dance, it would shake the ground and mountains of the world, then you said about maybe one of me singing.  Well i do not know if you ever herd a bull mose bellow, I am far worse, cows calve, horses fold, birds take flight and forest fall down. And gardening, my idea is dig a hole put the pott with the plant in the ground, if the grass or plants get brown spray paint them with green paint. I think he who made us all would not allow such a plaque on his world done by one like me, that is his job.  I have tried to play him in my life, got no where but arrested, told to go away, drunk and strung out for years, toooooo many battle scars to do that anymore, so my friend no way.

I have thought about making a video for You Tube, but as a suffer of this disease to verbaly tell folks about this world that i and many others live in. Not the crud from the experts and sorry caregivers, who really do not know who we are, but love us enough to help. People need to really know what it truly is like for us that suffer. Have tried with my blog and my book and well, my ego is now in the way and it has gotten kikced in the ass.  Maybe the video might help as my time grows shorter.

I know I sound damn good today, but I am in a rotten mood, spent two days in court testifing  in a fraud case that cost my son 56000 investment. Good thing the judge wa s a compassionate and understanding person, because you all know how I can say things and how blunt i get. I tired as hell no sleep, hours in the court room and me basically the only witness for two days, traveling to court being out with people which just drives me squirerler than I already am. Meds have not helped much but I am here today and I guess that is what counts. Confused as hell, not really knowing what I feel or want or much of who I am anymore.

I thank all of you that responded to Lynns last post, it shows what a family we are becomming and she really was touched. But why not she is with me, so you know she is sick to. But I do thank you, because what you did and said is why this blog is here and all are welcomed.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!
joe

PS> prayer for those who fight to keep us all around the world free, and for those suffering in Japan, they did not ask for this, no more than the folks in New Orleans asked for Katrina.

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It is what it is

I have been trying to think how to say this... I am angry.  I am royally ticked off at this disease. I am ticked that I do not have the man that I married anymore.  Yes I understand that I am not the same person that he married and that we all change.  That is how it is supposed to be, but this is different.  They lose themselves and we lose them.  I got my haircut over the weekend and Joe has asked me twice now if I got my haircut.  I can't take my frustration out on the guy who cuts me off on the road, I can't yell at the broad who runs the stop signs in our neighborhood,(well I can but it does not do any good),there is no one to lay the blame on when Joe is sitting and wondering where he is or who he is talking to.  I try not to get frustrated with him when he is in a foul mood because he does not know what is going on.  I can't yell at him because he does not always understand why I am angry because he doesn't know that he is aggravating me because he who used to make snap decisions now can't decide what he wants to have for lunch.  He takes naps at the drop of a hat and leaves right in the middle of a conversation.  Not physically but mentally. We were talking about some stuff the other day and he asked if I was disappointed about something and my response was not disappointed but I have to learn to understand that it is what it is.  Our lives are all about that now.  When you come to grips with the fact that this is what we have to deal with it does bring a little peace.  Not alot but just a little.  And there will still be those times that I may lose my patience but I need to remember that  "It is what it is".
Lynn

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