Showing posts with label ravages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ravages. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Yesterday i had blood drawn for tests for my physical next week. Then I spent the rest of the morning with my phsycologist . It was interesting, i have seen mim for nearly 7 years or so with breaks. We were talingi about the so called new advances in Alzheimer's and the new guide lines for diag. and treating. Funny part about it is as we talked he remembered I had said most of this years agao. And it has been posted on this blog in various forms over the years. I dound that all to be interesting that these so called experts only needed to talk to me or someone like me with the disease to get these startling new ideas and would have cost nothing. But what the fuck do we know, we are sick and mindless. But it does add credability to sites like mine, that we know what they cannot figure out.
I had another doctor write me recently, and the gist of what he said as I could understand it and questioning him on what he said is that he basically in simple terms agrees about the profession, and pharma companies, they all have their heads up their collettive asses and only promote drugs for money sake, because no matter how you want to cut it, the drugs DO NOT WORK! It is still about 8 years from diag. to the end drugs or no drugs. Our paper here had an article today about a former mayor, whose wife was diag. 7 years ago and just died. I know we hear about the 15 to 20 year sufferers, but they only exist because someone was smart enough to notice it in its infancy stages. The ten or so years of true EOA which most pros call DDSS, my term for Distraticed, Depressed, Stress, Syndrome.
I have my moments, what is difficult is getting what is in my brain cell, down to my fingers and then getting them to type what it is that is their. I have to do it quickly or if I think to long ( 5-6  seconds) it is gone and never gets said.
I know from some mail i got i insulted the Alz.org, but i want you to know that was intentional. Yes they help caregivers, they have done shit for me and I have contacted them many times. Even my local San Diego Chapter, who I gave copies of my book to for their lending library. And they wanted me to help with things and with the State, YES YES YES i said. Their ultimate answer and reuests have been complete silence, and I have heard this from others, including some Drs. I know their are good people working for them and my attack if you will is not on them, but what seems to be an organizzational lax of understanding the sufferer. Oh yes they know it is not pretty, but it does not seem that they have the first idea of the real terror in our minds and the loneliness and the difficulty we have telling anyone, because we know you do not know or understand this hell, you are not in it.
Time to shut up, i am getting to angry and feel like telling most everyone out there to fuck off, but we are family and I need you and I think you need me also while I can spout off and make some sense.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Waking Up What Is It?

I have come to belive that waking up is not all that it is cracked up to be. It seems that I never seem to wake up completely anymore. I more or less remain is a state of awakeness if that is a word, if not it is now. I just never seem to quite get with it anymore. I am becoming much more testier and argumentative, wow I think I spelled that right.  Time is more jumbled now then ever before and I have more difficult in getting things out and what the hell i do no t know what i whant to say here.

I no longer enjoy being downstairs in my home, only outside in the front or back or upstairs, i do not know what it is, i am very uncomfortable now. We just spent I do not remember how much when remodeling downstairs the way we wanted it and I do not want to be down there now. I do not understand me anymore. Lynn wants me to talk to her and I cannot even talk to myself. Hell I always talked to myself, I was the only one that had the answers I wanted to hear now I cann't think of them.

Well take care for now.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Par Boiled Fanny

Yes yours truly master of home repairs and as dense as a tree was at it again today. One needs to know that me and ladders do not belong in the same universe, I get on one and by the time I reach the second step on it I am 30 pounds lighter. Today we started on clean the outside of the house, redoing the pation and th driveway. Well do to my immense brain power I got on the roof to wash down the roof and upstairs portion of the house.  Well sitting on the roof was a bit on the hot side. Did you know that when you spray down a roof that the sun has been beating down on the water turns to steam, well I do now. As this small river came rushing down the roof towards my secure spot, it reached my butt, yess my backside, and it cooked it. I felt like I was sitting ing boiling water, guess what DAH i was. I am fighting this disease the best I can, but the longer we go down the road, the more I find out what I do not know that I thought I knew, before I found out that I did not have the first idea about it.

Lately when I get up I am not able to finish crossing that bridge from sleep to being fully awake. I was talking with my ologist this week and he asked if I felt like I was is a fog.  Well the answer is yes, the above is proof of that.Things are just not clear to me any more and I stop more in the middle of things then I did before and wind up doing something else. Each day I decide to write on here and say I should write things down before I post so I remeber what it is that I want to say. GREAT IDEA, problem is I sit down to do it and forget what it was I was going to do, welcome to dreamland.

Well I need to stand right now so you all be good to yourselves and THANK You for helping me win the new award posted on our blog. This is your victory as well.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A Prior Post if You Will. With Added Comment.


A Warrior's Lament:    (by j.v. potocny)

                                                                   
I kneel before thee
Upon bended knee
My battle axe rusts upon a tree
The Steed that served me well
Now runs free and frail
He served us both with grace and might
Let him rest well each night
There is no deadly mace
That you can see before my face
Gone is my shield which I cannot hold
All that is before you is my sword and face
I have stood tall in all battles
With You I have won and battles song sung
Many with scars some with none
Since a child I have fought the fight
Now I wish for it to end this night
My strength is dried up and gone
No longer does exist that fierce warrior in me
I long to face only Thee
This battle I am in is lost and so am I
So before You I am on bended knee
Prostrate would I lay
But this body is to broken and brittle this day
So I lay before you all I have left
Worn, beaten, yearning, to you I give my soul
No longer in the dust of battle let me roam
I await You and Your Hand to take me in your time
I pray Thee take ME HOME
In Your Name Amen.


This more reflects my wishs of today and my feelings. I no longer like it here. I no longer communicate with those around me well. Most of the time I am in my own little world and do not want to be bothered by anyone. My wife has noticed more and more that I am not with those around me. This is not a friendly world it rather sucks. Things I once enjoyed are a chore, getting things done takes it seems like years to me. It feels at times like my brain is being crushed or squeezed down. It is not a headache but a sensation of being pushed out and away.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Me a Tyrant?

Really now, such a gentle wonderfull and forgiving person as I, a Tyrant. The truth be known I can be a little, just a little over zelous at times. Ok maybe tyranical to some degree. Lynn is mostly correct in what she has written although I am not sure if I even am with them as much as they may believe.


I feel things slipping more and more away from me. Going out has almost become a big no no with me. I do not want to leave my security. On the other hand I no longer want to be in this house. I feel like I have done here what I was suppose to and I am now to move on. It is a feeling I cannot explain, it is like a driving force that pushes me to do whatever it is that I am to do. Writting and talking about it does not change it, it is there and it is real. Before in life I did not hesitate to follow it. Now I am confused and frustrated over the feeling and lately very unhappy over things. I guess this is part of this world I live in now, no longer sure of feelings, thoughts, direction or security of where I am. All I know is that I am here stuck and not knowing when to get off the bus at the correct stop.

I wonder or should I say wander within my own mind what is taking place, why, where and how do I get around this bastard that is following me and sucking my thoughts away. Who am I today, not who I was 10 years ago I think and not even sure of yesterday. Yesterday is a strange word to me, since everything happend yesterday, not last week, years ago, but just yesterday. Family and friends around to help, yes I am lucky that way I guess, but they fuckin piss me off, I feel that they hover, whether they do or not is not the point it is how I feel and it makes me feel trapped.  Now if they didn's I probably would get angry that no one gave a dam. No fun in this brain these days.


God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Reading Blogs

I spent sometine today reading some friends blogs and leaving my ever uplifting comments. But you folks that change your links, dam tell me so I can keep my list correct. I list you so others can read as well. Hopefully the remaining 6 people I have invited will have the balls to post and the others will continue.

  • I would post daily if I could remember, but I start processing an entry and it starts one way, goes another, then turns left and winds up in the back forty, lost and me with it. Hope the changes are to you liking if not to bad, deal with it.
  • Like a legal pleading now.
  • Find days are slipping by quicker.
  • The brain is getting bluer. Always wanted to be a blue blood, but I have obtained higher standards I am a blue brain, Ok a dumbshit.
  • I was at my mens support group the other night, one of the guys there mothers has AD and wwe talk about it and he told me once that you could hardly tell, but his family insisted. He sees her every couple of months or so. Just got back and said he spent 4 hours with her and he was her brother and did not know what town they were in. He was a bit taken back. I asked is she about 4 years or so out from being labeled, he said yes and that she was on Aricipet (wonder drug, not). He asked me why and I told him the truth, she is on schedule. Also the A drug was for well toilet bowl cleaning in my opinion and many others. We hugged I cried for him and prayed for her to be set free soon. These are the real stories of AD not the commercials on TV or the movies, this is what it really does to us. Like a thief in the nite it suddenly takes what it wants when it wants.
  • God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours! (The Rest of The World Needs Help Also)
  • Joe

Monday, February 8, 2010

Hello My Friends, Hello!

We are back from Petaluma. Daughter and new grandson doing well. She is home, Lucas still in hospital hopefully home this Saturday.

We finally got a room on base in guest quarters. Gramps here could not handle staying with the kids, even though we had our oun room. I needed a hide out period. Had to increase meds while there just to try and cope. Am Losing control of my emotions and ability to keep calm and mouth shut.

Came home sick again. But we have figured out the problem, their is mold and mildew all over tha t base and I am highly alergic to mold. So from now on will have to build up with antihistamines before we go.

Now to start back on the pond. God this disease just makes me not want to do things , forget what the hell I am doing and really now mly emotions and starting to not care about others, they are starting not to exist for me. I have a very hard time writing on this thing now. Mind wanders toooo much. But still can get out something. Body is starting to rule itself and not tell me. Eating I forget to eat or tha t I ate real pain.

Until we meet again.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
joe

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Something Different From Me

Yes a big HELLO to you all. I wish to thnak all of you who write to me. And those of you whose blogs I have listed although I may not leave comments I do read them in the back office of my blog, where I constantly recieve your updates,. This morning is calm for me, feels strange. But it is like the weather wait a minute things will change, so I though I would get this off now. Your sharing of your troubles with your loved ones brings a sense of calmness to me at times. See it is nice to know (unfortunately), that I am not alone out here. I want to say thank you for being there for me, it truly helps. You know you can comment however you chose, good, bad, rotten, ugly, beautiful, your choisce but remember I do not edit comments and they get posted as written. That is how I post and you deserve the same.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Through The Fog Comes Anger.

I have beeen reaing some of the blogs I follow this morning, which I can do from inside my blog. I get disturbed easily, especially by those in the "Medical Practice" and what they try to push. These are the very people (not necessarily the ones I read) that have told somany that live with me in theis World of Mine, that we were ok, just anxious, depressed and absent minded. See we did not fit in their fuckin little box, we did not adhere to pages 89-101 so we could not have any form of dementia. Now some of them have joined us in this world of ours and are bitching that people say they cann't have it because, THE BOX, is square not distorted. Mean this may sound but, you diserve to hear that crap your profession spit out at me and thousands like me. I make no appologies for letting you know how I feel, you see my life is worth just as muchas yours and I am loosing it more and more each day. It is harder for me to talk, walk and maintain train of thought in a conversation. I even forget who the people are around me more now. Probably by this time next year, if I am still around, my body will be here, but I will not. Alhziemers is doing its job on me and having a good time at it.
I saw a youtube asking fatso Oprah to help. This woman is only interested in her money and famous friends that may have this disease or know someone that does, than she does a show on it. It just discusts me to beg such people. It is us who do these blogs and what HBO did for us that is going to make the difference. Yeah the baby boomers are getting worried, WHY?, because a whole hell of alot of them are starting and will joine us here in the World of Forgetfullness. Where we these people when we cried out for help, toooo busy to hear us.
Wait till you look at your wife or children and have no idea why these people are in your house and what the hell do they want. Then the old mind comes back and you know you left, you want terror there it is. Come walk with me in my World and see how brown the grass is.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!!!SmileyCentral.comSmileyCentral.com
joe

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

SmileyCentral.com
I know many in other countries and of spiritual beliefs have already celabrated their Thanksgiving Day, but I wanted to wish you one from the Good Old USA SmileyCentral.com
Before I forgot again, i feleet I had better get this done. May you all enjoy the day and may you always be free. From My World to yours, be good to yourself.

God Bless You and This Country of Ours! SmileyCentral.com
Joe

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Early Signs Differ

I have been asked whaat did I notice in the beginning that made me think something was wrong. On the side of my blog are places to go for the medical signs. However no two persons are alike. My Physciatrist and I talked ablut this he his opion, which to me makes sense, it takes so long to determine because it depends where you start. In other words how much grey matter do you have to statr with and have deminish. I noticed around 50, that multi tasking for me was starting to be confusing. I was able, to handle 10 projects at a time without notes and jump from one to the other and back again and never miss a beat. I was in the computer field (the beast of humanity). I started to have to pause to remember and even take notes, something I did not do, I would forget my pen, my glasses, what day it was, peoples names, stand up to do sommething and sit down again because I forgot. Eeach of these things in and of themselves is no big deal. But once I started to connect the dots, you know that old kids game where you go from one dot to another and a pickure forms, these things were happening daily and more and more often, I still functioned and got my job done, but I knew something was happening. Doctors or you are depressed, absent minded, forgetful, to much anxiety, all of a Sudden, no trauma had taken place. Things progressed slowly, but I could feel that my once active mind was slowing down and not because I was growing older. Talking to the text book guys was not helping. Finally after several years of pushing and refusing the bs answers my physcologist started to believe as I did that some form of dementia was occuring, because of my memory losses, inability to do things in minutes that now took me hours to days to do, because I forgot how. His dad had Alhziemers and he started and was the first to believe this was taking place with me. My Physc was not sure but felt that some form of dementia was occuring. My physician just plain ass was not sure, because I could still hold a conversation. Finally one day talking to him with my wife, the lights went on in his head there was something wrong because he was finally paying attention to the trouble I was having talking with him. We had done MRIs and EECs and Cat Scans, with no result, so he ordered a Pet Scan. Low and behold, his words get to a neurologist I can not help you, well none of them had been able to either. Armed with history at the PS, the new neurologist confirmed that I had Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia along with inconsistent consistencies of Alzheimers (good one). so here I site be inconsistent and whatever else I am. All I know is that you need to look at the whole picture and stand firm and make your physicians or whatever explain why not and why something else and if their treatmenst do not work move on and kick down as many doors as needed until someone listens and starts to did. NOtes help and having someone with you that has known you for a time that can see the differences and help explaim them will help. Thankfully I have a wife that is stuborn as I am and keeps going until the truth is found. You may not like what you find but you have the right to know. I am not only having greater trouble with the grey matter but the physical affects are starting to settle in. Well you all behave and God watch over you.
God Bless
Joe

Monday, March 5, 2007

While I still Can Think

Today has knowt been wone of mey better days. Have been angry and frustratied. Some have felt that today, even my granddaughter. Soon my optometrist will feeel it, taking over 5 week for lenses. I have no patient left with waht if feel in incompentency or out right stupidness. I should talk, cant even spel right or thing straing anymore. But take your meds you will be okd BS. These tiny slices are killing me, mly emotions, I have no controolll over anymore, no matter how hard I try. This disease sucks big time. The hell of it is our people in congress and the white house give a shit. It isn't a minority issue. WElll soon it will be a vast majority issue as they and theirs begein to suffer the ravages. As nasty as this sounds, I can hardly wait for them to join me. When it is to late to do anything, and alll they can do is say "If only I had listened".