Alzheimer's and Sleep Apnea.

Yes aliens came and got me and did wierd things to me. I loved it. Wired for the night and sleep test should get results on next earth visit. My doctor says that in his practice in sleep studies that he has found that sleep apnea is a precursor to different forms of Dementia, including Alzheimer's. This i find interesting and have looked into this and their seems to be some validaty to this thought process.

To all that have bought my book thank you, I am sure the Alzheimer's Disease Research Foundation appreciates you also. All funds I receive from my book are donated to them. I will be posting the new amount shortly. I cannot thank you all enough for helping to find the cause.

I was on the Natioanal NAPA Alzheimers Comference call on the 5th i think it was. Have to say i was less than impressed.  Most callers  (practically all) just wiened about there not being financial help for them to take care of THESE PEOPLE almost all used that terem. I think i said it before if not i will say it now, we who suffer this disease are just to be put off to the side.  I am one of THESE people and deserve more thought than we are given.  Only two ladies had any brains on that call, as far as i am concerned.  They both spoke about their mothers getting Alzheimer's in their late 40's and early 50's and dieing within 5 years. They feel and I agree whole heartedly with them that the studies should not be for onlyl those 65 and older,  THEY (yes thos who know it all) have to realize that this disease starts much sooner than 65, I knew at 50 something was wrong but it took years to get any health provider to really listen. I was asked what I wanted to say off the air, you know the screening process, and I told them we need a voice and as i continued, you guess click and back to toe conference, that just depens my distaste for ALZ.org, and many of you know I do not hold them dearly at all.

Will let you all know the outcome of my alien abduction and expierements after they return on Monday to talk to me again.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!

joe

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REM Behavioral Disorder and Dementia.

Why this topic? Well today I found out that I suffer from REM Behavioral Disorder and have for sometime, years. I am undergoing sleep study this Wednesday to find out how far it has progressed along with my sleep apnea and other stuff.  Found out today that this disorder has long been shown to be a precusor to dementia. My sleep Dr. is excited to make the study because it is not often he gets to deal with this.

What is it? Well apparently when i enter the REM stage of sleep i do a lot of twitching, jerking and as it progresses I get violent in my sleep. Poor Lynn has been the bearer of this action. However she has most of the time feels things starting and gets to me before, yes I start beating on anything in the bed including her. This is apparently what also helped me out of bed and on to the floor. So if you know anyone with this disorder maybe they should start talking now to a medical professional that has ears and maybe able to save them some rotten years ahead.

Alzheimer's and Frontal Temporal Dementia, have for runners apparently not just shrinkage, amaloyids and stroke or damage.  Have not seen any studies that I have found that show much about sleep disorders and dementia, really. They have touched on it, but I am not sure they have done any real serious in depth looking at the connection. They probably fall asleep anyway. 

Also found out today that my stature in life has shortened by 2¼", yes i have shrunk from a towering 5'83/4" to a colosal 5' 6½" inches. This i attribute to my kids they made me old, grey, short and fat. Till next time take care.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!

joe

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I wonder why I bother to share my Journey!

As many of you know i get rather testy at times and just fell like saying to hell with it, you do not need to know this or how I feel.  Then i get an email like the one tha follows, this is why I keep trying to give us a voice.  Parts are edited since it came to my private email so no name of way to tell who it is from. But i did write back to the person, took me a short time then longer. I asked for a pic and name and dates for my memory page, but like soooooo many of you i receive nothin back. I post the pics so people will know that these folks lived, they gave, they touch others lives and that should be celebrated. well to the email i am getting on my soap opera box. by the way this has been on my todo list for sometime, i am quick.I was asked if i filled out the facebook form, YOU BET YOUR SWEET A__, I did.

____________________________________________________________________

Hello, My name is xxxxxx, and I'm a nursing student studying in xxxxxxxxxx, xxxxxx (Canada).  I watched The Alzheimer's Project documentary, and was very touched by your story.  I know you have probably heard this from so many other people who have read your story online, or watched this same documentary, but I would like to thank you so much for contributing your own experiences and stories to helping understand and find a cure for Alzheimer's.  I was asked to write an essay for one of my courses at school on anything I wanted related to disease and disease concepts.  I chose Alzheimer's because my grandfather passed away from A.D. 10 years ago.  I never had the chance to really get to know him, since his diagnosis occurred when I was only 2 years old.  By the time I was old enough to have memories of my own, he had already progressed to the very late stages of the disease.  He only spoke Italian, which I did not, thus I had very limited communication with him.  My memories with this man consist of visiting him at the nursing home, where he stared at me with blank eyes. I fed him and walked him around, and told him stories.  When he passed away, I felt like a part of me had been ripped out of my chest, and it was difficult to accept that I had not known him better, and could do nothing about that. I appreciate hearing from someone who can recount his own experiences with this disease. I do not have personal experience with this disease, and was only an observer to something that took away someone I loved.  However, I believe that it takes great strength to explain what it feels like to go through something that takes away from the person you have grown to become.  I do not know what has happened to you or your family, or if you crosses "the line" since the documentary was filmed. I would only like to thank you, quite simply, for giving me a story that my grandfather never was able to. So thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!

joe

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Alzheimer's is relentless!

Well it has been awhile since last i was here. Things in my world are getting very disarrayed. I find i cannot even be sure of what time it is each day or exacty what i am doing. Alzheimer's is working hard and i am still being stubborn but it is winning this battle, in the end i win. Mly head hurts alot these days and i do not know why asprins do not help it just feels like someone or thingh is n my head squeexing everything together.  Well maybe that is good, keeps my brain cesll together. I am finding it more difficult to post or even to figure out why i am at the compute most days. I sit and stare at it alot but it does not say anuthing to me, damned thing. I am totallly lost on the days now and even almost completely unaware of when someone is or is not in the house, i think they have just gone and they just got home or never left. Very frustrating and i do not even want to think about it which has be a bit miffed over things. i am rambling time to go be good to yoursleves.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

PS, I guess things did not go well for Alan at Mt. Denali and he is off to number five now. I was told weather was realy dangeous on the mountain.

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God's Gift To Me - I Share With You!

In this world that i now live in has very few gifts in it, mostly all crud. Many of you know about my KOI pond and all the pain in building it and loooosing my two prize KOI, so you think of all the crap and hoow your life is leaving quickly.
Yesterday we had to tear the pond apart and give it a complete cleaning and water change and redo plants and trimig of plants and all the pain in the buttt things it takes to get this done. I do not move quickly so it takes quite awhile to get things done. Well as things would be we took the waterfall apart and in the lower seperate pond to the main in among the Parrott Feather was a poor little hummingbird just water logged. Poor thing must have wieghed at least twoo hundred pounds with the water. It jumped on the ledge then to the ground, I put my hand down, here is the gift I got and share with you:

This little buddy, just jumped up onto my hand and sat there. Every so offten he fluttered his wings trying to dry off and held my finger tightly with its' tiny little feet. He stayed with me for about ten minutes, while he dried out and then finally got enough lift went stod still for a second and as he looked and took off you kind of hear him squeak and left like a missle.  Enjoy as I did. 

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Click Me Find Out Those of Fame That Died from Alzheimer's

To those that went before me, I am trying to give you a voice as well. The title is a link to a listing of those who of fame have died from AD.  And Still the medical profession and sorry for this Alzheimer's Association have done crap to help us. Lot of studies, lots of meds, NO CAUSE, NO CURE & MEDS THAT DO NOT REALLY WORK!!!!  Only true diagnosis, cut the brain open at death.

The closer i get to the end the angrier i get at this world of ours, 2nd most dreaded disease and who talks about it. So Called Experts, who really have no idea what we with it go through, WHY?, because they do not listen or ask they know it all.

Everything causes it and everything can cure or hault it, in the end all this fails, we just fucking die. Cancer Society song is Happy Birthday, great for the survivors which there are millions.  Alzheimer's new song, So Long It has Been Good To Know You!!! no survivors.  Yes there is anger in me today, not for myself but for those that do not speak out without concern for hurting peoples feelings and not being polically correct.
I stand at the gate to this World of Dementia and I put out my had to each that enters every 70 seconds, to welcome them, to tell them they are not alone regardless of the failures of their fellow man to really help them.

Go ahead an rip me a new one. I am ready, but when you do prove me wrong and show me that ONE SURVIVOR.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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The new pic is the whole fam damily. Wishing you all the best for the New Year and thanking you for your continued support and words.

I have having more problems with the old brain, new cells are disappering. I now have to ask if I have eaten because I cannot remember. It is getting harder for me to tell you things and keep it kind of level. My reality is no longer what it was. I have come to a thought that AD is a number of types of dementia which would I think explain why we all progress differently and caring signs of different so called stagess at one time. I find that I sshake more violently now even typing, just time moves.

My brain has just blanked out.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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Foggy Days

Hello to al I know it has been ahwile. Lately I have been noticing that I feel more and more like I am in a fog, I am aware that I am here but I am not reallly here. A very strange feeling. It is like being lost but not. I am not sure what this means except that I feel and Lynn has noticed lately that the slope has become steeper and with my round butt I am sliding a little quciker.

The article I was in posted on my blog, had errors and I have tried to get the corrected but of course neither the writter Lillian Cox or the Editor of the Coast News has had the well less than knowing someithing nice to say the balls to contact me back.  We met with someone from the San Diego chapter of the Alz Org awhile ago about getting involved and geting us a voice, boy they are just as quiet.

They say I think it goes, "Silence is Golden", if that is the case the deafening silence I am getting from those above and from anyone outthere trying to get us a voice, my house should be sinking from the gold bars that it is loaded with. Or at least I should be able to go to Mc Donalds for dinner.

I need to go now. Take care of yourself.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!
joe

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Well Good Morning World! Yes it is me again you lucky people.

I have been puzzled, confused or whatever over something. You caregivers out their and even you suffers can help me with this. Ther are days that I get up and ready to take on the wolrd and my brain in on fire. The all of a sudden i am like, Robby the robot in Forbiden Planet all my circuts start to short out and I am just plain fricken out of it. I do not understand this, most of the time I kind of walk on eggs because I am not sure where I am or how I feel or what is taknig place in my brain. Have any of you seen or experienced this? It is really concerning. Kind of like here today, gone in a minute. Well I am 66 today, who would have thunk it, not me. Still a pain in the ass about things.
Food no longer intersets me either. Eat or don't eat ok by me. The food just does not hold any enticement I think that is the world anylonger. Things I loved to eat just do nothing for me. I have to be reminded now or asked about eating, not part of my list today. Oh well starting to ranble.

Take care of yourselves.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!!
joe

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Who Really Speaks For Us?

Since i went to the memmory walk here, 1st one in Oceanside, CA, which had 600 walkers so they say, the question of "Who Really Speaks For Us?"  Has been runnning in my head. I listened to all the speakers and the walkers, cheering for a cure, what about the cause people? I heard how everyone was helping to care for us and the rest. But NO ONE spoke for me or the others in my world.  Where is our Voice. Certainly not with the major companies, major sports or even really the fricken media. Try as I may I cound not find anythin in our local paper The North County Times about it. But the, and you may not like this but tuff, The BOOB walk on sunday drew media and papers.  It is I think as I have felt we are throw aways. Fix them boobs, which deaths have been droping on, and I do not wish it on any woman or man (we get it to Ladies), but we have no, I repeat we have NO SURVIVORS' , THAT IS RIGHT NOT ONE! Again, WHERE IS OUR VOICE?

I am ready for the bull mail to come take your best shot at me. I can dish it out and I can take it back. But if you are going to get on my ass, do it publicly with a comment. I put out publicly and am not afraid.

I for one who suffers with this bastard of a disease, am really getting tired of everyone saying we are going forward, but yet I do not see us on the boob tube rarely. Where are the causes? Where are the cures? Where is there real working drugs?  I once offered and now I offer again a CHALLENGE to any so called researcher out there my brain to use living samples from, not mice, not dead brain material, although that may be debatable in my case, to use. I know I have been told it may leave me worse off, more demented and I may die, DAH, wath the hell is going to happen anyways.


Until my next tirade or what ever, be good to your selfs.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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An Email From a Friend.......

As many of you know from time to time I share emails with permission. This is one I got just recently. You all seem to be amazed that even advancing in this fricken disease I can still communicate. I want you to know that all of us with AD or other forms of dementia are not always stumbling, bumbling and drooling people. Some to the end, not many still reamin mentally strong, maybe not physically but one cannot have everything. Also this email may give you a hint of why I take no meds for AD, just mood stabilizers, the shit does not work if that helps.**************

Dear Joe and Lynn,
 
Thank you again for your response...these letters and blogs must keep you both very busy...I don't know how Joe still does it, but thank you from the bottom of my heart.  My father suffered from AD silently...we did not know what he was thinking or feeling...he tried to live life as if he didn't have the disease, including not talking about it.  The only glimpses we had were his physical struggles, his hallucinations, and listening to his frustrations...we had to try to fill in ourselves what was going on in his head.  Joe, you have no idea how much your shared words help us understand what you are feeling or experiencing or thinking...more than you know.  I wish my father could have expressed what he was experiencing, but he didn't, so I am learning from you.
 
I just checked into your blog...I am sorry to say that I haven't been able to keep up with it regularly (due to restricted internet access), but every time I visit your page, it brings tears to my eyes...I am just filled up with sentimental emotion on how much you share, and your struggles doing it, and your struggles with the disease...thank you for all the work you put in.  I am amazed at how articulate you still are at this stage.
 
I am so happy you published a book!!!! That's great.
 
I unfortunately could not find the memorial link on your page...I must be overlooking it.  But I would love to send you the information on my father, and a photo.  I will let my mother know.
 
I was also thrilled to hear that you are doing the Memory walk in Oceanside.  Before I knew that, I was going to e-mail and ask if you and/or your family if you and they might be interested because I want to do it too.  But I have to get my butt in gear to sign up and send out the e-mails.  My mother did the walk in Florida about a week or two ago.  I'll honor my father with a team bearing his name; however, I do not have family here, so unless friends join me (and they might), I might be a team of one.  I would be honored to walk with you and Lynn if you like.  It sounds like you might not have many walking with you, so if you and Lynn need any help at all, I would be happy and honored to help.  I helped give care to my father until he passed.
 
This is getting long for you to read, so I will sign off.  If you want to put any of this last response on your blog, you have my permission.
 
God bless you all (and my father would have agreed with Joe on "...and this great country of ours")
 
Cheryl

________________________________

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!

joe

PS Cheryl has no real idea what emails and comments from you folks really mean to me. They keep me wanting to post, even though I feel no one really gives a shit.

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Happy Monday To You.

I have added a link to my book for those who are interested. At present it is only available is soft & hard cover. Within the next 2-4 weeks so i am told it will be available in electronic format for you Kindle folks. At That time the bugger will be available at Amazon.com & BarnesandNoble.com, as well as my website and other locations.

Now that, that is out of the way, today sucks, I am having trouble getting things from my brain cell to my mouth or fingers and once it gets there they don't know what to do with it. I feel like i am starting to reepet my self more and more.  My family bless them say its ok dad we know. I sure would like to know what it is that they know because I do not. Doing this blog is getting difficult. I have these grand things, I think to say and my brain farts them away. I have problems with titles that have antynig to do with the post. I think, that is a joke that their maybe no more titles.

How does one tell you how uttterlly difficult it is living in this World that I am now in. Cann't drive, cann't balance check book anymore, forget my pills, forget the bills and now I get up from the table leaving my dinner because I forgot I was eating.However my bowels and I still are on the same page, way to often, but still together.

You take care now.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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Trying Hard

Well Joe is trying hard to keep up with things but they are getting away from him. He is working with the people with the book and it is taking a toll. He gets frustrated with things and I don't blame him. You give explicit instructions and they don't follow them. Well he will keep trying. We can be in the middle of a conversation and he drops off to sleep or he talks to someone else in his head. He is taking alot more naps lately. He is going to try and do the memory walk with us on Nov. 6. It is one mile from the pier by the beach and one mile back. I told him we would pick him up on the way back if he can't make it. The grandkids might walk it with us and my mother will be there too. So things are moving along here.
Lynn

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AD Still Hard At Work!

I have good and bad days and some are jus plain roten. Believe it or not days I post generaly are not good. Because I start with what I want to post and it just runs out of the brain. It feels like a TV getting good picture and suddleny fuzz, static funny voices, it is realy frustrating.

Well a copuple of days ago we got a new evaluation on where I am, like it really helps me because I never know anyway. We have moved right along to Early Stages of Severe Alzheimer's. Bastard moves fast, but that is the way it is.

New links will be coming and a site added to help you caregivers speak out to each other more to come, I just need to re read emails and get my butt in gear.

Thanks for being there for me and part of the family.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!
joe

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You Are Needed!!!!!!!!!!

-------- Original Message --------

Subject:	Thanks for Taking Action!
Date:	Wed, 18 Aug 2010 15:55:15 -0500 (CDT)
From:	Brendan Burns, Alzheimer's Association
Reply-To:	Brendan Burns, Alzheimer's Association
Organization:	Alzheimer's Association
To:	jolynn1@cox.net

Joseph, Thanks for taking action! We need your help to gather more petition signatures. Please take a moment to forward the message below to your family and friends. It's quick, it's easy and it will only take a few moments to make a big difference. Thank you, Brendan Burns Subject Line: It's Time for a Breakthrough Dear friends, Alzheimer's disease steals the future from millions of Americans. It robs spouses of their companions and children of their parents and grandparents; it erodes the health and financial resources of caregivers. I just signed a petition calling on Congress to make Alzheimer's disease a national priority. Will you add your voice? http://www.alz.org/petition Your signature will be delivered to Congress on September 21, 2010 World Alzheimer's Day. Together, we can make Alzheimer's a national priority.

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Brains or Trains

I wonder sometimes if I have any brains left or if they are just trains runnnning in a circle. Things to me seem to be getting fuzzier each day. I forget mor of what I am going to do each day. Wife is up North visiting daughter and kids, I just could not take going after her 50th a week or so ago.  I found 32 good reasonss to commit homicide that day, way too much noise, movement, people, just a real grate on my brain, nerves and patience.

I am glad to see the going back and forth in comments and Lynn's posting.  We got one the other day that we discussed and both of us for diffferent reasons.  She could understand the people resenting the fact that the parents who are becoming a problem and like me, living another 5 or more years. Lynn feels that way about me at times and we both think it is normal and good to express it. You need time away from us guys to help yourselves. See I look at it that I may have to put up with those arround me hovering, checking, watching ever annoying me even for another year.  I wish they would just disappear at times. I think both sides feel this way, have to, we with Dementia are really a handfull, I think worse than trying to raise baby tripplets. See have the time I do not know what I want or what I am doing, just like a kid.

I want to say welcome to all of you that visit my blog. From Russia, US, Canada, Latvia, China, Brazil, Austrailia, etc., it boggles my brain cell.  Thank you all for visiting. I hope to be adding new resources to the list on the side soon for you all.

God Bless & Keep You and This Country of Ours (and the World)!!!!!
joe

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Asking for Help & New Link Added.

I have added a new link, Nursing Home Abuse, for those of you that may have problems with a nursing home or need help in finding and how to look for one.  Do hope that this will be of help.

I am glad to see the comments of help going back and forth, this will help you I think and hope. This is what this blog has been waiting for.  Out of the avg of 179 people that visit each day, I think some of you have great wisdom to offer each other. For me, getting better is not taking place, getting worse is and will till it kills me.

You all know I just love the medical profession and researchers with great and profound moranity. I got a mailer the other day, Alhzeimers cured and the cause, medical book supposedly. AD caused by lack of insulin in other words diabetes of the brain. The gist is that extra insulin can halt or even reverse the damage. A lot of quacks out there, amazing that this one dr. has found this out and has not shared it with the medical community but is with the world.  I think I will go have to cokes so the caffine stops my AD.

I need some help or at least to know if any one with AD out there or caregivers have noticed this happening:
For a cpl of months now I have been experienncing pain in the brain, this is not a headache or migrane as one knows them to be.  It is like someone with really big hands is reachin inside my skull and just squeezing the hell out of my one brain cell, trying to make it smaller. This can last for hours to days, even longer once it is gone I notice that more of me is gone.  I guess the details I follow because of my employment was in the field of computers and data gathering and details, still with me to a degree. Have talke to my shrink and pyhsycologist about this and get a dumb look. So you folks my family if you have any info on this I sure would like to know about it, I feel alone enough now without being the only one with this bull shit.

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The very Fabric of This Blog

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "talking it out":

Hi there Lynn & Joe. You two sound like such a perfect couple. I'm sorry to say that I am not feeling that way about my husband and I. My spouse is 17 years older than me. He was diagnosed about the same time as Joe and yes, he seems to be experiencing relatively the same stages that Joe is going through. But I must confess, I am not feeling like the pleasant, let me make you feel better caregiver right now. The TV can only be on one of the two channels he chooses, Fox News or the Weather Channel and he doesn't even watch them. He, like you Joe, stares off into space. I try to strike up any type of conversation by commenting about what they have just shown on TV but he wasn't watching it and has no idea what they were talking about. Then he gets angry with me because he is confused about my comments. Lately, he is always crankey and YELLING at me and our extended family (5 children, 6 grandchildren) so they don't seem to come around anymore. I do go to work part time but he is insistant that I not leave him for more than a few hours at a time and demands that I not go anywhere away from him for any type of enjoyment. He doesn't even want me to go shopping to get things that we need, only to the grocery store a half mile away. He makes me feel guilty that he is afraid he will die alone and that I must be with him at all times. And I don't mean just at our home, he insists I be in the same room with him ALL the time. People say to me that I should get out and do things for myself. I agree. But the reality of life is that other people don't include you when they know you have to be home with your spouse all the time. They don't want to be the cause of his anger either. So here I sit feeling so all alone in the same room as him. I provide his meals, cut his hair, do the grocery shopping, take care of our expenses and accounts, pick up his prescriptions, do his laundry and clean up after him. He refuses to go ANYWHERE. Will not leave the house and wants me to do the same. I do understand that what he is going through is very difficult. But there is never any expression of gratitude or even acknowledgement that this is difficult for me to go through also. He used to tell me every night when we went to bed that he loved me, but even that has gone. Now I only seem to be the object of his anger and frustration. But all the same, I will keep on keeping on. I won't give up, but it does help to have an outlet to release my feelings, even if it is to someone I have never met and never will.

Joe, please give Lynn a hug and let her know how much you love and appreciate her. Sounds like you have a real piece of gold to hang on to through this journey we all pass through. My love to you both.

The above is a comment shared on this blog in respose to a posting by my wife Lynn, who I am 16 years older than. This lady is suffering just as Lynn is, I have become very combative, pig headed, a dick, paranoid and more withdrawn.  I have asked many of you to be guest bloggers for the above very reason. I cannot tell you how many 100's of emails I have received just like the above comment.  See all I can respond to these people is that I am sorry for your mate and you, but it is only going to get worse, a lot of comfort right, wrong, but it is the truth. I ask again that you help with posting. See even if you do the same thing everyday, you still do something a little different and that little difference could help someone like this lady. Me i love and appreciate your words of encouragement, but really they are gone as soon as I read them. You see I know that I will not get better only worse and it is doing that quite well. I am on a journey to keep an appointment with mental collapse and physical death that is the reality of it. It sucks, i hate how i feel, i do not like my distrust and disgust with others, but my emotions are no longer mine, I even do not feel bad anymore when I am a real pain in the ass or hurt feelings, my brain says tough crap to you. I hear and see things now that are not there, i do not even know when I am being talked to. Sex keeps rolling in my brain but the old pecker does not help out and I even say who the hell caaares to taht. I am getting like my good friend Dr. Joe Savick, making a 42 paragraph post. Thanks for listening shit has hjust built up in me and while I am thinking of it I am making this post.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours.
Joe

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I greet you this day not really knowing why. It seems that the days are starting to have little meaning anymore. I try to keep a sense of humor about things, but there is nothing humorous about what is happening to me or those around me. I find myself staring off into space or just at nothign these days nore amd more. Things seem to mean little anymore to me and I just do not know how to handle these feeelings and moods. Things keep slipping farther and farther away from me.

I have tried to make this blog as time has gone by a place for meeting and exchangin thoughts and felings on dementia in general. I gave the site a chat room for a year that I paaid for open 24/7 for whoever wanted to talk not just to me but to others a failure. I opened a direct chat line to communicate whichcost me over$80 a month so we could talk, 5 people, a failure. I invited over 25 people to blog here because of their involvement with dementia, that has been a failure, I even set up Yahoo Messenger for instant chatting that too went down the tubes, I even have tried skype without any success. Comments I have gotten, emails I have gotten, but I guess my expectations (premeditated resentments) should not have been. I have removed all of the about except comments and email.

I am trying to give u articles as I find them that maybe of interest. I have a feeling that will be of no avail. Bitter yes I am, angry and pissed, yes, at those who come and cannot even take time to comment yes, but most of all at ME, for especting and planning and most of all trying to plan the outcome.This fricken disease plays a lot of games with your head and sometimes I am not even sure of what I am writting, minutes from now I will forget and I guess for me that is ok. Keeping my angry under anytype of control is getting difficult, increase in meds is not helping, well so much for my bitching, like most things it will get me nowhere fast.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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A Prior Post if You Will. With Added Comment.

A Warrior's Lament:    (by j.v. potocny)

                                                                   

I kneel before thee

Upon bended knee

My battle axe rusts upon a tree

The Steed that served me well

Now runs free and frail

He served us both with grace and might

Let him rest well each night

There is no deadly mace

That you can see before my face

Gone is my shield which I cannot hold

All that is before you is my sword and face

I have stood tall in all battles

With You I have won and battles song sung

Many with scars some with none

Since a child I have fought the fight

Now I wish for it to end this night

My strength is dried up and gone

No longer does exist that fierce warrior in me

I long to face only Thee

This battle I am in is lost and so am I

So before You I am on bended knee

Prostrate would I lay

But this body is to broken and brittle this day

So I lay before you all I have left

Worn, beaten, yearning, to you I give my soul

No longer in the dust of battle let me roam

I await You and Your Hand to take me in your time

I pray Thee take ME HOME

In Your Name Amen.

This more reflects my wishs of today and my feelings. I no longer like it here. I no longer communicate with those around me well. Most of the time I am in my own little world and do not want to be bothered by anyone. My wife has noticed more and more that I am not with those around me. This is not a friendly world it rather sucks. Things I once enjoyed are a chore, getting things done takes it seems like years to me. It feels at times like my brain is being crushed or squeezed down. It is not a headache but a sensation of being pushed out and away.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!

Joe

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