A different world

I know or at least think that many thought testifying in court was a big deal. But I had an attorney that ledd me through it, the entire eveidence package in fron of me and a judge that was just supper and helped everytime i sat therre with a blank and confused look on my face. Trust me that is why it took two days for me. Mr. Computer Brain, buned out circuits.

In case you are wondering what the big earth movement in Oceanside was on i think Thursday, it was the shifty old whale here hitting the deck as I tripped and fell over the cat. Not so nimble anylonger. Good thing have exxtra extra padding on my butt.. However ever since then I have been really having difficulty talking and trying to make sensse of things. Lynn says my face is lost when we talk or i look at her. Really i am lost and really do not like what is going on.

Have found out in round about ways why my voice is not listened to or my book received, I am just not gentle, kind and nuturing in my telling of this fucking disease. I guess i need to be more politically correct I think is the phrase, well bite my ass, there is nothing grand and wonderful of about having this disease. I have one thing for me though, I stand at the gate to the world of mine and about every 70 or so seconds I get to greet a new friend, shake their hand and hug them and welcome them to the darkside.

Dr. Joe Sivak will be in Long Beach in April promoting his book and Lynn and i hope to be able to make it up there to see him and maybe harass him a little those physcs need it.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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Just added a link

just posted a post with a link to Ken's last post. The stinker uses voice software.  He suffers from Lewy Body and has recently joined our family here. Please visit him and say howdy and make him welcomed.

I have been busy the last few dayss or weeks not sure which it is and not really sure what i have been doing. I look at thiss new beast of humanity that I have, and wonder why, i cannt spell or remember any better because of it. But it has a 23" screeen which i cannot see without my glasses either, so what the frick. Today has slipped away from me again.i just do not know what to tell you except that things are not bettter and are not going to be. At present nothing seeems to be working out right, but then again i am not sure what is right or not anymore. I know i am becomming very indifferent, whoa a big word there, to most everoything and every one around me and basically do not care.  Dr. Joe Sivack i think wrote on his blog or i heard it somwhere who the hell knows that we in this world i live in really become who or what we really are, if that be true i hope it ends soon. because i do not like who i am now, by the way i am not sure of who that is any how.

i would tell you who these two are but their names escape me. not really it is my wonderful wife Lynn and that bastard she now hangs around with. The woman just will not listen to anyone. Taken ????????

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours'!!!!!!!!

joe

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Waking Up What Is It?

I have come to belive that waking up is not all that it is cracked up to be. It seems that I never seem to wake up completely anymore. I more or less remain is a state of awakeness if that is a word, if not it is now. I just never seem to quite get with it anymore. I am becoming much more testier and argumentative, wow I think I spelled that right.  Time is more jumbled now then ever before and I have more difficult in getting things out and what the hell i do no t know what i whant to say here.

I no longer enjoy being downstairs in my home, only outside in the front or back or upstairs, i do not know what it is, i am very uncomfortable now. We just spent I do not remember how much when remodeling downstairs the way we wanted it and I do not want to be down there now. I do not understand me anymore. Lynn wants me to talk to her and I cannot even talk to myself. Hell I always talked to myself, I was the only one that had the answers I wanted to hear now I cann't think of them.

Well take care for now.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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It Is May

Just in case you wer not aware it is May. I know the calendar and my computer tell me so and they would not lie to me. Well maybe they would cannot trust them buggers.  At least my brain doesn't, it really does not anylonger link days weeks or months together, let alone years.

According to the wife I have developed my own language, not heard on this Earth is billions of years. It seems that when I cannot get out what I want to say, let alone remembber what it is, I express myself in sort of a babble type lanugaggge. She seems to understand me, I sure the hell don't, I wonder who has the problem. Her or me?  Since she can remember days, what to do and what she is talking about, she has the problem, those type of people do not live in my World. What the title has to do with this is beyond my mind. Sounded good.

Well we got some new young koi, will see how they do. I have to do water changes on the ponds, and I do not want to, it is such a pain in the ass. I guess the fishes like it, but not one has given me a fin to shake and say thank you.  They remind me of gov. officials take it, shove it up my butt and not even a kiss. Yes I am in a mood today, have been for awhile, never kno when they will come or go, seem to stay alot longer these days.

Take care, who knows i MAY see you soon.  There that is why the title. If you believe that your brain is as blue as mine is.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!
joe

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The Gift of Alhziemer's!

Yes I know what gift? You need to have the disease to understand. See because of this blasted thing, I learned something today that I did not know, even with it starring me right in the kisser. I was reading over some emails I got because of the HBO Documenttary.

It brought people I knew from over 50 years ago back into my life. Of course they had to tell me how, when, why, etc., before the old noodle could grasp it. This may get long and run in circles, but what the hell, if I can run in them so can you.

You see I wanted most of all to be a good husband, lover, friend, father and someone the Lord would be proud to call his child. Well I feld very badly in my own mind and soul. So as I re read an email from my first girlfriend, the only one nuts enough to date me, Cheryl, I really realized how fortunate I am to have AD. You see, I have invited her to guest blog, but no response, what an asset to this site she would be. Now remember she dated me (poor lady), her mom has AD and Cheryl works for The Alz. Org. in Colorado what a wealth of help.  But more than that, after we broke ups I had 16 years of a real messed up life.  So you understand and I am not sure I do, she was about 5'6"  115#, brown hair, brown eyes and nicely, well very pleasant to look at, not what a memory, she sent me a picture from that time, and a Leo. I always felt comfortable with her, but life goes on and people (me) screw up alot.  What does that matter to you or me, well I just described my wife of over 30 years. Now she is stuck with an AD patient and she is a Leo to, and I have asked her to post, but you know these lions the roar, but are really just pussy cats. Because of this and the special I have found that my family was my career and Mr. How Smart Am I, was not even aware of it. Cheryl and the rest of you have shown me that and I am well pleased inside.

Still confused and not sure what I will do from moment to moment but I am having quiet an adventure, and sometimes it is pretty rotten. Just spent a week isolated to my self and not really talking to anyone, without being short and less than Kind. I find that, at least i do, just wip back without concern of what I am saying. From those I tak with that have this disease seem to do that alot to. Well enough of me for now. Be good and take care of yourselves.

God Bless You & Keep You & This Country of Ours! (The World Needs Him To)
joe

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Guest Blogger Joe Sivak MD

I would like to thank my friend Joe for the privilege of being asked to be a guest writer on his blog. In the big scheme of things I have known Joe for only a short time through the wonderful technology of the Internet. I started blogging about eight months ago and soon found Joe's blog. I immediately resonated with so much of the feeling and emotion and spirit with which Joe writes. I felt sort of a strange kind of kindred spirit.

It is sort of that weird feeling, where you never met someone but when you connect with them, you feel that connection was always there and it is sort of timeless.

You see Alzheimer's was the thing that connected us. Joe has the disease, my mother was diagnosed with the disease in 1979, when most people had not heard of it. I started a book about my journey many years ago and finally finished it this year. It is titled When Can I Go Home? I asked Joe to read the book and tell me what he thought. I knew it would be hard, and I debated a long time. I didn't want to make Joe feel sad or mad, but his review in a way was the most important one I wanted. It was more important than if I could get Publisher's Weekly or New York Times or any high profile review. Why was that?

I wanted to show that people with AD are people who count, with thoughts feelings, and a spirit. No matter how far the disease gets, there is a person. The point of Joe's blog and the point of my book is that we should never, ever cast aside any human being just because they have AD. The truth of that matter is: is that now matter how far we think we have come as a progressive, altruistic, advanced and humane society, we have a very long way to go when it comes to people living with Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's initially brought us together, but immediately after that the connection was fundamentally not about the disease, but just about two guys, Joe and me who actually share a lot of the same fundamental views and insights. And Yes, Joe has tremendous insights that we can all learn a lot from.

I am a psychiatrist, but Joe didn't not hold that against me. Neither of us particularly like psychiatrists. Joe instinctively knew and knows that is just what I do professionally, sometimes in that realm I can help people and sometimes I can't, sometimes all I can do is be there as a human being yet in that pretense of a professional realm.

Joe said he only read a couple books in his life, mine and Bill Cosby's Fatherhood. So I was indeed in good company!

Joe knew and talked about the disease, he knows first hand better than anyone, how Alzheimer's is two deaths. The disease taking the person's mind and the physical death. Joe and I know the disease tries to take the person's spirit. some days it feels like it does, but it never really can or will. You see Joe's spirit is there and always will be. You see it in those faces in those pictures he posts, it is in those grand kids. Those faces, those smiles, when you see it in his family and grandchildren you see Joe's spirit and his goodness, and the disease never ever can or will take that away. That lives on forever, that spirit is eternal. Take a look at his pictures, it is there. You see Joe's essence.

Joe asked for a picture of my mother. He posted it on his blog. Her name was Madeline. She is physically gone from the earth, but Joe knows that we never forget, and her essence lives on through her kids and grand kids, and the disease does not get to take that. People like Joe are a gift to the human race, he reminds us to never forget.

In a way Joe knew the pain I still feel from my mother's disease, he sort of offered me a kind of spiritual absolution, a setting free if you will. I never really considered or expected that, but Joe knew. I hope in some way although I know it was hard fir him to get through, that in reading the book, somehow our connection set him free just a little. He knows I will never cast him or anyone with the disease aside. Joe is not an Alzheimer's victim, Joe is just a guy, a human being who happens to be living with the disease. We can all learn a lot from his writing, it should be required reading in schools. He is tough and smart, he is human. We all have a little bit of Joe in us. He will keep blogging and writing, it is not about the words it is about his essence and his spirit. He will keep loving life and hating the disease, just like me. He will love his family and his love will go on generation after generation.

Thank you Joe for this honor to post on your blog. Your courage and dignity and humanness is there for everyone.

Joseph J. Sivak MD

http://alzheimmers.blogspot.com

http://www.niagarapress.net

http://www.facebook.com/pages/When-Can-I-Go-Home/357170603956

http://twitter.com/WhenCanIGoHome

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