Old Mems and New Ones

I have found that old memories aer stil there but they have no time stamp you might say, I can tell you about them, but part of the probelm is that two or three may get mixed together, facts are pretty good, but knowing exactly  which memory they belong to, well you have to guess. New memories, I have only about 2 days worth, they do not stay for long at all. In fact have trouble with telling you about this morning even.

The wife colored her hair today, did it this morning so I am told, I did not notice.  Later we were up in our office, that sounds so officey doesn"t it, just a extra bedroom with the computer.  But that makes us Yuppies we have an office. I was looking at this woman in front of me and knew I thought I knew her but something was not right. I had her turn around and finally my mind put back some old color in her hair and I knew it was Lynn. Said you colored your hair, YES, when this morning, oooh i said.

God Bless & Keep You & This Great Country of Ours!
joe

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For Those Who Can Still Walk!!!!!

Yes this disease even takes that away from you. I know I have griped abouut the brain going away, but it seems my feet and legs are developing a mind of their own now. Several times I have falleen and trip and got hurt, but never thought of how AD is affecting me in that way.  Well the other day I had some sense knoccked into me. I was putting away the garbage cans, tuff duty right? We let me tell you it can be, putting the last can away I was practicing walking backwards, front ways not that good, try something new: Well I check where I was going turneed back around, steppped out of my sliper, apparently steped on my foot, you got it I went on a trip. My rather robust bottom slammed on the walk way, my back hit the pavers and this empty head of mine proceeded to put a rather nice looking dent in the one metal storage shed we have.  I have to admit the shed looks good it now has character. Me I have character to, back hurts like hell, my head hurts, the crack in my bottom has widened and I have been advised by my keepers, that maybe I should not do that anymore. You loose one freedom after another with this crap.

Until we meet again, take care of yourselves. I hold walking classes every Tuesday at 1pm PST.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!
joe (the marathon walker)

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Hello to all as we near the end of this year. I am still in February I have no idea where the rest of this time has gone or what has happended. As some of you know I attend a 12 step group and have for centuries to fight my disease of alcohol and am still sober some 37 years. I was at a ongoing meeting on Christmas Eve, we have what they call marathon meetings around certain holidays to add extra support, what made this special to me and has caused me to wonder if we have the stages of AD right, yes we have it starts and you die correct, but the inbetween seeems to be not so straight forward. I know I have written on my blog the stages, others have, Alz Org has, but you folks, my experience and what happended Christmas Eve tell me in my mind at least that there is no set inbetween stages actually, that we experience similiar things to a greater or lesser degree as suffers. I man shared at the meeting that his father had passed in the last week from AD and he was happy for him and said how he felt. I fortunately had the oppportunity to talk with the gentleman after the meeting, hugged him and told him I was glad his dad had been set free. We looked at each other and I know he was confused, hell I know that feeling, so I gave him my card that has my book info on it. We talked about how his dad was diagnosed about 3 years ago with it, for most of the time he was level had some problems then came the LINE CROSSING, 4 months ago when we knew no one and went downhill and died in the 4 month period from AD. He and I feel the same if we can prevent ourselves (he does not have it yet) from getting to that line to end it before. He saw the suffering of his father and the destruction on the family and does not want to go through that or put the family through it. Unfortunately his mother is at some point in the disease, where?????? Another lady joined us and told about her parents dying from AD a number of years ago and as I listened I could hear that her parents did not follow the so called stages either. Yes they had portions of them but kind of out of order. I see that in myself and think what master mind is comming up with this stuff. Maybe we need to revist how the disease really progresses, the middle part, we know that it starts and then we die. I know for me this is long, but I was very much touched and moved by these folks, I could see their suffering, but they were able to understand to a point my side. Especially when we talked of how they could get away from it and here I was at this meeting still getting support to help me not drink and I brought along old Mr. AD, i cannot get away from it not even a second.

Well I need to shut up, take care of yourselves and if I forget, Have A Very Happy New Year one and all.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!
joe

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Just When You Thought-------

For the last couple weeks I have been considering not posting any longer since ther did not seem to be any response to anything I posted. Especially yelling at you my extended family for not using the tools given to you. I guesss as we move forward I will become less tolerant and more bitchy. My wife will probably say I have already made it ther.  I know I am more withdrawn and really don't care much about things, even my KOI ponds.
The book here "When Can I Go Home?", i got to read before it came out.  See Dr. Joe is a friend of mine, even though he is a Phsyciahtrist, i cann't speel, that does not make him bad. It is a pretty good book for
caregivers to read I think.

Here is why I asked so many of you to become posters on this blog:

Message = Just found your blog and it is great.  It might be a good help for me to understand my husband.  He does not talk much about what he feels and when he does he yells.  I try to listen but how do I get him to talk without being so mean?  He has alzheimer's and was only diagnosed a few years ago but it seems that he is slipping more these days.  I hope your troubles are few.  You look like a fun guy.

Forget the last sentence. I get a great deal of emails from people like this lady. I can only answer from my side. She needs help fro you guys, you can see she is drowning in a sea she does not know how to swim in. Please POST and help her. This is part of my reason for not wanting to continue to post. I feel that we as a family are failing people like this lady. My emotions control me now rather than the other way around.  Even if you do the same thing each day I am sure you do something different, maybe a minute that can help someone. I do the same thing each day, become more forgetful, angry, frustrated, pissed, fingers hurt typing all of this, my brain wanders while I am tyring to post.  If you want to be a guest blogger on my blog, send me your email address and why and I will email you the link.  Postings have to be all related to Dementia in anyform or caregibing to Dementia patients.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours (Help The World Too)!!

joe

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And You Say I am NOT NAGGED!!!

attacked from all angles


First let me wish you all a belated 4th of July!!
You know it is difficult when everyone is watching what you are doing constantly. OH of course the wife does not watch over me or nag, not the kids either, THEY have trained the fricken bird and cat to do their dirty work. I am surprised they have not given the fish feet and artificial living tanks so that they can come and spy as well. It has gotten so that I have no privacy under constant surveliance like a member of the KGB, well they won't catch me, my brain cell is working out a plan. As soon as it lets me know what the hell it is then I can do something about this invasion.

Seriously they need to watch me, I do some of the dumbest things, besides not letting the wall get out of my way before I walk into it. There are times I really do not know what the hell I am doiing or what I am talking about.  This is geetting more difficult as time goes on and it is suppose to, but it sure plays hell with what i want to do, which I do not know what that is to start with. Yes there has been joy this year two new grandchildren, my new koi pond, which I rarely sit by anymore, actually two ponds. all have mosiquto fish in them, cute little devils they are and do they populate.

Well I guess I have bitched enough, well maybe not, but at least I remembered most of what I wanted to say in this post, which in and of itself is something.  My physcologist would say that I am still in there somewhere, but the question is where.  He has been seeing me and been my friend for a number of years now, his father died from this damned disease, so he knows from where my anger and confusion and thoughts come from.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!
joe

PS: I can go anywhere I want, that is what I am told, but here is the kicker I have to be taken there, real freedom, right!

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My Forum

This is my forum to tell you how I feel and for you to talk back to me. It has always been my goal to make this not just about me, but about those that travel my journey before and after me. For you that care for us to tell how you feel. For those who contribute to leave posts on their take and views. I personally feel that my time to the line is close and I am having difficulty battling that.While I fight it, I know inside and have accepted the fact the fight is lost, but I am an honory bastard and just have to fight for the sake of it, win or loose does not matter, I just will not give this disease the satisfaction it wants. It is going to have to stomp on me and its shoes are getting heavier. Sometimes my posts are less than kind, but this is not a kind disease and I am trying to make people think about us in this world as real people not someone in a looking glass. This is my only forum to do that in. I feel caged and somewhat worthless at this point and that feeling will probbably woresen as time goes on. Well so much for now.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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Hope You Enjoy

First let me apologize for what may apppear on the slideshow, it comes directly from Amazon.com, their book section. You can click on any picture and go there and then if you are an amazon customer you can go shop till your heart is content. One warning once you leave amazon, you get me again.

I have added my favorite song to the site which starts attomatically, if you do not want to list to it, just click the button on the audiopal gagett.  But I do hope you enjoy it as I do.

Thanks for being there for me.

God Bless & Keep You & And This Country of Ours!
joe

PS. Hey you contributors how about it, some words please?

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The Gift of Alhziemer's!

Yes I know what gift? You need to have the disease to understand. See because of this blasted thing, I learned something today that I did not know, even with it starring me right in the kisser. I was reading over some emails I got because of the HBO Documenttary.

It brought people I knew from over 50 years ago back into my life. Of course they had to tell me how, when, why, etc., before the old noodle could grasp it. This may get long and run in circles, but what the hell, if I can run in them so can you.

You see I wanted most of all to be a good husband, lover, friend, father and someone the Lord would be proud to call his child. Well I feld very badly in my own mind and soul. So as I re read an email from my first girlfriend, the only one nuts enough to date me, Cheryl, I really realized how fortunate I am to have AD. You see, I have invited her to guest blog, but no response, what an asset to this site she would be. Now remember she dated me (poor lady), her mom has AD and Cheryl works for The Alz. Org. in Colorado what a wealth of help.  But more than that, after we broke ups I had 16 years of a real messed up life.  So you understand and I am not sure I do, she was about 5'6"  115#, brown hair, brown eyes and nicely, well very pleasant to look at, not what a memory, she sent me a picture from that time, and a Leo. I always felt comfortable with her, but life goes on and people (me) screw up alot.  What does that matter to you or me, well I just described my wife of over 30 years. Now she is stuck with an AD patient and she is a Leo to, and I have asked her to post, but you know these lions the roar, but are really just pussy cats. Because of this and the special I have found that my family was my career and Mr. How Smart Am I, was not even aware of it. Cheryl and the rest of you have shown me that and I am well pleased inside.

Still confused and not sure what I will do from moment to moment but I am having quiet an adventure, and sometimes it is pretty rotten. Just spent a week isolated to my self and not really talking to anyone, without being short and less than Kind. I find that, at least i do, just wip back without concern of what I am saying. From those I tak with that have this disease seem to do that alot to. Well enough of me for now. Be good and take care of yourselves.

God Bless You & Keep You & This Country of Ours! (The World Needs Him To)
joe

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May The Lord Bless You This Day & Always!!!!

From my family to yours a very Blessed and Happy Easter. To those of you who have entered this World of mine and do not celebrate the day, celebrate it with us for you are welcomed here.  To all I extend to you my hand so that YOU KNOW, THAT YOU, NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS THING CALLED LIFE ALONE EVER AGAIN.

Well I have started inviting some folks to be guest bloggers and we will see how this works. I have tried with a 24 hour chatroom for you, that was not used, different ways of talking not taken advantage of. See This is My Blog, but You are a part of it and I would like you to share in it. Only requirement is that you deal with dementia, as a caregiver, reasearcher or one on this road of unknown journey. Thanks Dr. Joe for being first to join in.

If you wish to join me and others here, just fill out the email form at the bottom of the right hand side and send me your email address and I will send you the info. Actually Blogger will send it for me.

Well the family has descended and I have found it necessary to retreat. I can only be a jungle jim for so long and I hurt. Body is definitely not what it once was, not that it was ever much to start with. My temper is much shorter and I have a hard time controlling me, so retreating works.

I feel lost today and not quite sure what the old brain wants besides to escape and be alone somewhere.

We may He Bless You All This Day and Forever.]

God Bless & Keep You and This Country of Ours and Yours!
Joe

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Days Lost.

First to AJ if you read this you have my permission to use any part of my blog you wish, with the exception of the In Memory of Photos. I do not have permission to allow that. My stuff have at it pictures, posts, etc.

I am starting to loose more and more days and time. I am feeling a sense of loss in my life now more than I did when I started this journey.It confuses me, for a period I am normal and can do anything I know where I am and then someone comes along and turns the lights out. I guess this is the way it goes and will continue until. I hear from folks how well I am handling this, and how great the HBO special was, etc. I am not that person anymore, he disappeared almost 2 years ago when the filming was done, at least I think it was that long ago. It is more difficult to concetrate on writtting these posts now, probabbly why I am not doing so much anymore.

Well the best5 to all of you.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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Something Different From Me

Yes a big HELLO to you all. I wish to thnak all of you who write to me. And those of you whose blogs I have listed although I may not leave comments I do read them in the back office of my blog, where I constantly recieve your updates,. This morning is calm for me, feels strange. But it is like the weather wait a minute things will change, so I though I would get this off now. Your sharing of your troubles with your loved ones brings a sense of calmness to me at times. See it is nice to know (unfortunately), that I am not alone out here. I want to say thank you for being there for me, it truly helps. You know you can comment however you chose, good, bad, rotten, ugly, beautiful, your choisce but remember I do not edit comments and they get posted as written. That is how I post and you deserve the same.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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December Already!!!!

Yes it is that time of year again. For me Thanksgiving seems years ago. Time no longer has a start and finish for me. Well it will be here soon, probably sooner than I think and be gone before I know it was here. This year has been fillled with manny things for me. Or I think it was, I am no longger sure of it. But I still awake each day and breathe, I might looose most of the day but I am still there somewhere for it. Funny somedays I feel in total control and then for days I have no idea what is going on. I try to get to this each day, but at last it does not work that way. Early or not at all for the most part. Catch Ya All Later.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Howdy

It has been awhile since I posted, I sit down in fromt of this thing to do it and that is wehere it ends.I have been in sort of a place that I am not famliar with, don't ask where because I do not know. Physically I am starting to suffer more of the progress of this wonderfulo disease. It is begning to scare me more now. I stand in the house, and wonder where the hell I am. After awhile I lie down on the couch or whatever and go to sleep and the hours go away. So does the confusion and mystery fo what things are. I feel more lonely in theis World of Mine now even when people are areound me. Sometimes waking up and seeing my wife next to me scares the living (&(&^^ out of me because I am not sure who she is. Then the brain kicks in a all is well. I tire quickly and fall alot now, I guess that old Ford has caught up to me and passed me by.

I used to wonder what tomorrow would bring, now I am not sure about the rest of today. I do this for you who care for those like me so you know why we act the way we do and it has nothing to do with you, it is us.

God Bless You and this Country of Ours!
Joe

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What Will Your Dash Say?

I received this for a friend in Britian that suffers the pains of this disease of ours, if you read and follow the the link, you will see that we still can feel and cry for others and not just ourselves.


Subject: : remembering Suzette May 1965 - July 2006

----- Original Message -----
From:006


This is very touching, especially for those of us who have lost someone special
but for all of us and how we live our lives. Hope you enjoy. You may need a
tissue. It takes about 3 mins. ML



The Dash

In July 2006, shortly after Suzette left us, a 3-minute movie was launched
on the Internet called The Dash. Since then, over 40 million people from
around the world have watched it; and over 20,000 a day continue to watch it as
a result of people passing it along.
;
The movie has been more successful than we could have ever imagined. More
importantly, however, it has inspired many, many people to reflect on their
lives and ask THE all important question, 'Are my priorities where they should
be?'

I hope you enjoy this movie and share it with those who are close to you. as
ever, Jul
Click This Link to View: www.dashpoemmovie.com turn Speakers On.

God Bless You & This Country of ours!
Joe

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Farwell To My Old Friend Pain

The letter that follows has never been sent this is all done in spell check so that it makes some sense. At long last I need to close what is the next to final chapter of my life. I know the individual will never see this but it serves to finish my part and clean my side of the street. It has been awhile since I have posted or written anything, that is because things are well taking their toll or scheckles if you will.

August 24, 2007

Dear Phyllis,

I am not quiet sure how to start this letter or if it will even be sent to you. See I have never broken my word or lied to you. When we last talked, I promised you I would not bother you again and that was truly my intent. But I cannot get over the way you talked to me, when I called as a friend nor the way you ran from me claiming you loved me so much it hurt that August night in 1978. Should I send this, due me at least one final courtesy read it before you rip it up and throw it in the trash.

Yes when I called it was done in friendship and with the hope you would tell me the truth as to why you left me standing like a piece of trash in the middle of the street. I did not deserve that. I did nothing but love you, stand by your side and support you in what you wanted to do. I never lied to you nor even bothered with any other females, you were everything to me and I thought I was to you.

I can only believe that one of two things had happened, age was not one and we both know that, I do not believe you were seeing anyone else either; I think either your parents finally gave you an ultimatum regarding me or you were pregnant and going to get an abortion. I found the second more likely, and would have stood by your side and decision and still cared and loved you, because we were together too long knowing your parents hated me and wished I would vanish into thin air. I tried to show them I would not hurt you, nor was I going to let their dislike for me push me away from you. Kids were something you did not want and if you remember correctly I told you we would marry when you decided and if we were to have children it would be your call. All I really wanted were for us to be together in life forever.

You see I feel my Lord gave me a gift the night you kissed me on the cheek and began our relationship. To that point in my life I had never felt that anyone loved or cared for me. Not even my parents, my father used to beat me till I bled and my mother always told me I should not make him so mad. My friends were non existent, I learned to cheat, lie and steal at my parent's side and how to take and not give back. Of being loved or loving I knew nothing at all. Then you were put in my life and I learned to trust another person, except their caring and their love and I learned to give back without asking or expecting anything for the first time in my life. You were a true gift from God, because of you I have been able to love, give and care for someone other than myself. You taught me that and I am forever grateful, for that gift, which will never be taken away from me.

This is my way of bringing closure to us and saying goodbye finally. You see I never morn a loss, I always have rejoiced in having known the person, and I did not do that with you. I have never allowed the kindness, love, caring and giving you showed me to overshadow the way you left my life as if there was some big dark secret. You see I cannot perceive running from someone you love so much without telling them why they cannot be a part of your life any more unless something so bad in you mind existed that you thought I would do something crazy over. I tell you this in all honesty I would never have hurt you, I would have rather died then cause you any pain, which apparently existed.

So to you my Love and friend, I bid you a found farewell. I hope the Lord continues to bless your life and bring you the happiness that you deserve. Remember we lose loved ones, but rejoicing and celebrating their lives is the greatest compliment that we can pay them. I rejoice in knowing you and am happy for the time you were part of my life.

With Gods' Love,
Joe

God Bless You All and This Country of Ours!

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