For Those Who Can Still Walk!!!!!

Yes this disease even takes that away from you. I know I have griped abouut the brain going away, but it seems my feet and legs are developing a mind of their own now. Several times I have falleen and trip and got hurt, but never thought of how AD is affecting me in that way.  Well the other day I had some sense knoccked into me. I was putting away the garbage cans, tuff duty right? We let me tell you it can be, putting the last can away I was practicing walking backwards, front ways not that good, try something new: Well I check where I was going turneed back around, steppped out of my sliper, apparently steped on my foot, you got it I went on a trip. My rather robust bottom slammed on the walk way, my back hit the pavers and this empty head of mine proceeded to put a rather nice looking dent in the one metal storage shed we have.  I have to admit the shed looks good it now has character. Me I have character to, back hurts like hell, my head hurts, the crack in my bottom has widened and I have been advised by my keepers, that maybe I should not do that anymore. You loose one freedom after another with this crap.

Until we meet again, take care of yourselves. I hold walking classes every Tuesday at 1pm PST.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!
joe (the marathon walker)

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The very Fabric of This Blog

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "talking it out":

Hi there Lynn & Joe. You two sound like such a perfect couple. I'm sorry to say that I am not feeling that way about my husband and I. My spouse is 17 years older than me. He was diagnosed about the same time as Joe and yes, he seems to be experiencing relatively the same stages that Joe is going through. But I must confess, I am not feeling like the pleasant, let me make you feel better caregiver right now. The TV can only be on one of the two channels he chooses, Fox News or the Weather Channel and he doesn't even watch them. He, like you Joe, stares off into space. I try to strike up any type of conversation by commenting about what they have just shown on TV but he wasn't watching it and has no idea what they were talking about. Then he gets angry with me because he is confused about my comments. Lately, he is always crankey and YELLING at me and our extended family (5 children, 6 grandchildren) so they don't seem to come around anymore. I do go to work part time but he is insistant that I not leave him for more than a few hours at a time and demands that I not go anywhere away from him for any type of enjoyment. He doesn't even want me to go shopping to get things that we need, only to the grocery store a half mile away. He makes me feel guilty that he is afraid he will die alone and that I must be with him at all times. And I don't mean just at our home, he insists I be in the same room with him ALL the time. People say to me that I should get out and do things for myself. I agree. But the reality of life is that other people don't include you when they know you have to be home with your spouse all the time. They don't want to be the cause of his anger either. So here I sit feeling so all alone in the same room as him. I provide his meals, cut his hair, do the grocery shopping, take care of our expenses and accounts, pick up his prescriptions, do his laundry and clean up after him. He refuses to go ANYWHERE. Will not leave the house and wants me to do the same. I do understand that what he is going through is very difficult. But there is never any expression of gratitude or even acknowledgement that this is difficult for me to go through also. He used to tell me every night when we went to bed that he loved me, but even that has gone. Now I only seem to be the object of his anger and frustration. But all the same, I will keep on keeping on. I won't give up, but it does help to have an outlet to release my feelings, even if it is to someone I have never met and never will.

Joe, please give Lynn a hug and let her know how much you love and appreciate her. Sounds like you have a real piece of gold to hang on to through this journey we all pass through. My love to you both.

The above is a comment shared on this blog in respose to a posting by my wife Lynn, who I am 16 years older than. This lady is suffering just as Lynn is, I have become very combative, pig headed, a dick, paranoid and more withdrawn.  I have asked many of you to be guest bloggers for the above very reason. I cannot tell you how many 100's of emails I have received just like the above comment.  See all I can respond to these people is that I am sorry for your mate and you, but it is only going to get worse, a lot of comfort right, wrong, but it is the truth. I ask again that you help with posting. See even if you do the same thing everyday, you still do something a little different and that little difference could help someone like this lady. Me i love and appreciate your words of encouragement, but really they are gone as soon as I read them. You see I know that I will not get better only worse and it is doing that quite well. I am on a journey to keep an appointment with mental collapse and physical death that is the reality of it. It sucks, i hate how i feel, i do not like my distrust and disgust with others, but my emotions are no longer mine, I even do not feel bad anymore when I am a real pain in the ass or hurt feelings, my brain says tough crap to you. I hear and see things now that are not there, i do not even know when I am being talked to. Sex keeps rolling in my brain but the old pecker does not help out and I even say who the hell caaares to taht. I am getting like my good friend Dr. Joe Savick, making a 42 paragraph post. Thanks for listening shit has hjust built up in me and while I am thinking of it I am making this post.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours.
Joe

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Good Morning From Nutsville!

Yes it is your on the scene reporter coming to you from his favorite City. I have not the faintist idea what is going to come of this post. I had it thought out and as usual as I type it flutters away.

My wife, Lynn the crazy one that married me, and I were talking one day, when who knows. I told her that my feelings and emotions have real problems with themselves, half the time I do not even care or love my family, other times the opposite is just as strong. I guess this wonderful companion of mine the big Dementia, is doing its job on me as it should be. Time means nothing anymore, a good deal of the past is leaving along with the supposed friends. But I think maybe it is reallly me that is leaving and not them. As Sherlock Holmes once said, I think it was him, Come On Watson The Game is A Foot. That is how i feel.

The cursor is flashing at me, like I should know what the hell it wants. I am not even sure what I want. My head hurts, my thoughts wander and the damned things do not even take me with them, that's the shits.

Well till I remember to come back.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!!!!!
Joe

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What is a Friend?

I have become very confused oevr this. It seems that what I think (have to be easy there) and others is different. Maybe because it is more difficult to talkto me and keep things on track and the fact that I get angry easier has changed things betweeen me and others. I always thought and still do that you are honest totally with a friend and not afraid to be calllled on your BS and not afraid to call them on it. That seems to be a problem in theis world today. It is costing me friends. Even trying to explain things to them doe snot work. I guess this is going to be a new part of my life that I am going to have as this keeps getting harder.

I am still waiting for pics and info to start the memorial post for those that have proceeded me and are now at rest. I think they are the faces of this disease. Their fight was bvaliant and brave, they fought and tried against a foe that is not beatable at this time. They are my heroes for hanging in ass long as they could. They helpeed to pave the road I have to travel and I thank them for making it a little easier for me. The millions that suffer now and to come are my family now.

This is my story on this blog, but I want it to be a home for you as well. That is why things haveeeve ben changing and will continue to do so. Those of you that take care of us extreemely unpredictable persons, need an outlet and I am going to try and succeed with you help making this blog one outlet for you. It maybe moving to more of a website and changing the address, so that it can be more interactive for you who take the time to read my ramblings and need to converse with otherers in your position.

I have to stop now, my brain is not holding thoughts rifht now.

God Bless You and This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Who & What Am I Becoming?

There once was a tmie I could answer that but not anylonger. I have for the last several months porued myself into trying to start some things for the family to help make their financial future better. However, I remember the comment I made in the HBO thing, Once I was a genius, now I'm not. How true, it seems that once what I touched I mad work and well, now it goes to hell in a hand basket. My thoughts seem to be of the same charge and push each other out of the way, leaving avoid for confusion. That is the disease at work and having a good time of it. I find myself much more pissy and angry now, but I try to keeep the old trap shut and carry it alone. I am beginning to understand why we in this World of Ours, just sit alot and say nothing or just wander. We no longer have a grasp on things, what is real is it, I don't know any longer. I do not want to say things to family and friends because I don't want the constant hovering or them walikng on eggs. Frankly i do not know what I want, who I really am, where I have been or am going. Things from the past seem to be from yesterday and yesetrday seems to be the past. I feel truly helpless for the first time in my life. Where do we go from here? Down the tunnel.

God Bless,
Joe

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The Grewsome Foursome!

Well I thought you should seem some of the folks respoonsilge for the HBO Special.

Starting on the right: Sherry the Nick they along with Elisa (not in the picture) produced Memory The Lost Tapes. Give them a bid hand for a job very well done. Next is Annie daughter of Josephine that were in the special. Picture was taken in LA at a priemer showing. The old fart, well he is not going to beat out robert Redford. He is the mystery person.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!!
joe

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A Change, I Am A Crook

I OPENED WHAT IS CALLLED A GOOGLE ADSENSE ACCOUNT, SO THAT YOU WOULD HAVE MORE RESCOURES AT YOUR DISPOSAL THROUGH SIDE ADDS. WELL GOOGLE AND OUR PRESIDENT THINK THEY CAN JUST FIRE ANYONE IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR. THE ADDS ARE GONE, SOMEONE WAS CLICKING ON THEM, GOD FORBID, WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THEIR FOR. ANGRY YES I AM, I DO NOT LIKE BEING CALLED A THIEF OR IT BEING IMPLIED. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GOOGLE HAAS DONE. SO, IN MY INFINITE WISDOM I CHOOSE TO SAY SCREW THEM AND USE YAHOO FROM NOW ON. I REALISE THAAT MEANS CLOSING THIS BLOG DOWN AND STARTING OVER. BUT I TRIED TO GIVE YOU THE STORY ON THIS SIDE OF DEMENTIA AND OTHER RESOURCES, BUT GOOGLE DOES NOT THINK YOU ARE WORTHY. SO IF THIS GOES AWAY, I WILL TRY AND LET YOU KNOW WHERE I WENT, IF I REMEMBER EITHER ONE.

GOD BLESS YOU & THIS COUNTRY OF OURS!!!
joe

PS THEY PAID ME AN UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT FOR WHOEVER CLICKED TO GET THE INFO THEY WANTED YES I AM A REAL FUCKIN CROOK $0.81, LOCK ME UP NOW!

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Google Adds On My Blog!!!!

You proobably have notice that there are adds in my postings and on the upper right side of my blog. These are additional resources for you to click and go to. I do not select them, GOOGLE does, so that they fit the blogs content. It has been difficult for me of late. I am trying to make my blog more informtavie for all. The reason for the adds. Actually they are sites for you to visit and garner what info you can from them. It is my way of saying thank you for visiting me here.

The image is about Our Country. May she ever remain strong and free. Yes I bleed red, white and blue.

For awhile I had hit sort of a holding pattern and staid stable, but noe things are getting fuzzy and I forget more easily. I guess that is hust pare of this process. Well you have a good one.

God Bless You and This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Dropped Call * Dead Zone

This is how I feel in the World of mine, like a droppped call or just the buzzing on the line. The thoughts are there but the connection to the jaw finds a dead zone. No messeages come or go out. It gets frustrating as you talk and sudddenly the line goes dead and your jaw stops and you look at the person and you choke up trying to get the words out and suddenly even the thought is gone. Emptiness in the brain cell. It happens when trying to write on this blog, I sit and have things to say and then the brain, fingers and keys on the keyboard become strangers. I go nowhere without someone with me, not good idea. Now the family worries because of the heart problems, I just look at it as one moore thing to add to the list, someday I will get through the list and have to start over, why, because i won't remember the beginning of it, so I will not know if I got to the end. This all makes perfect sense to me. But then so does waxy ear build up, whatever the hell that means. I know I do like hearing from folks who stop by and take the time to read my babble, strange humor and other things.

If you want to know about me truly, read my post, A Warriors Lament, it tells about me from beginning to where I am at now.You may not understand it, but I do and that is what matters to me. Well for now have fun and be kind to yourself.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

PS: VOTE TOMORROW - I HAVE ALREADY.

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Howdy

It has been awhile since I posted, I sit down in fromt of this thing to do it and that is wehere it ends.I have been in sort of a place that I am not famliar with, don't ask where because I do not know. Physically I am starting to suffer more of the progress of this wonderfulo disease. It is begning to scare me more now. I stand in the house, and wonder where the hell I am. After awhile I lie down on the couch or whatever and go to sleep and the hours go away. So does the confusion and mystery fo what things are. I feel more lonely in theis World of Mine now even when people are areound me. Sometimes waking up and seeing my wife next to me scares the living (&(&^^ out of me because I am not sure who she is. Then the brain kicks in a all is well. I tire quickly and fall alot now, I guess that old Ford has caught up to me and passed me by.

I used to wonder what tomorrow would bring, now I am not sure about the rest of today. I do this for you who care for those like me so you know why we act the way we do and it has nothing to do with you, it is us.

God Bless You and this Country of Ours!
Joe

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Crossing The Line

Some of you may have read in other entries of mine of that line that those thaat live is this World of Mine cross. Itt is that point where you cease to be who and what you are and become another entity, if you do not physicallly pass on. Yes they say this is gradual and can take many years, true but sure, it can happen in a day. Here today gone tomorrow. I have over the years since joining this ever growing community of those with dementia have seen it take place just that way. One instance my wife told me of a fellow at one of the sites she works at who has been reading my blog and hopefully gainnned some insight and comfort that he was faultless. HIs mother was fine the one day and the very next (24 hours later), knew crap, nota and required suddenly 24 hour care. So many I have communicated with that suffer have had this take place with them, because I speak (this form) with their loved ones and caregiverss and they tell me of this suddeness. What say you perverers of great wisdom and knowledge, what is that "Duh". MY own life is growing shadowier, forgetting we said grace at dinner, turning on this beast, conversations in the middle of them, physically becoming a poster child for damage of the year or how to screw up your body in one simple lesson. My time is coming when ?????? but it is on its' way. I have told my family the day will come as long as I have any ability to think as who I am, that I will kiss them all and say goodbye and be gone. I believe I have the right to passon with some of me in tact and with some dignity. I refuse to have my family see me lying with my face in my food, as I have seen from working in Assisted living homes when doing computers. Looking into the trap souls of those folks through their eyes made my decision along time ago shoulod I ever be blessed with this disease. There is no cure and most likely will not be one, until they whoever they are talk to US and really learn. For their knowledge of the brain fits in the head of a pin. Bye for now until next time be good to yourselves.

God Bless You and This Country!
Joe

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