TO BE CONTINUED-------------

Well I am back today. Hope you all are well.  My day is a bit foggy and slow, but that is how things go. It is cool and rainy here, rain part very unusual for us, but welcomed.

Now tehn since you have wiated with great anticipation, pounding hearts and sweaty palms here is what is going on. First can you guess why the title to this post? Bet your wrong.

Living With Alzhiemer's (A Conversation if You Will), is in the process of being published. All of you have made this possible and have contributed in one way or another to it. Hopefully it will be out before xmas 2355, you know how slow and forgetful I can get. The Book as it is called, is not a novel or such, it is our conversation we have had over the last 4 years I think. Completely unedited and to the point. Yes it is this blog in print, comments and all, except the side materials as they appear.

So to you all Thank You, for your support, caring, sharing and just being there as I make this journey.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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I greet you this day not really knowing why. It seems that the days are starting to have little meaning anymore. I try to keep a sense of humor about things, but there is nothing humorous about what is happening to me or those around me. I find myself staring off into space or just at nothign these days nore amd more. Things seem to mean little anymore to me and I just do not know how to handle these feeelings and moods. Things keep slipping farther and farther away from me.

I have tried to make this blog as time has gone by a place for meeting and exchangin thoughts and felings on dementia in general. I gave the site a chat room for a year that I paaid for open 24/7 for whoever wanted to talk not just to me but to others a failure. I opened a direct chat line to communicate whichcost me over$80 a month so we could talk, 5 people, a failure. I invited over 25 people to blog here because of their involvement with dementia, that has been a failure, I even set up Yahoo Messenger for instant chatting that too went down the tubes, I even have tried skype without any success. Comments I have gotten, emails I have gotten, but I guess my expectations (premeditated resentments) should not have been. I have removed all of the about except comments and email.

I am trying to give u articles as I find them that maybe of interest. I have a feeling that will be of no avail. Bitter yes I am, angry and pissed, yes, at those who come and cannot even take time to comment yes, but most of all at ME, for especting and planning and most of all trying to plan the outcome.This fricken disease plays a lot of games with your head and sometimes I am not even sure of what I am writting, minutes from now I will forget and I guess for me that is ok. Keeping my angry under anytype of control is getting difficult, increase in meds is not helping, well so much for my bitching, like most things it will get me nowhere fast.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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And You Say I am NOT NAGGED!!!

attacked from all angles


First let me wish you all a belated 4th of July!!
You know it is difficult when everyone is watching what you are doing constantly. OH of course the wife does not watch over me or nag, not the kids either, THEY have trained the fricken bird and cat to do their dirty work. I am surprised they have not given the fish feet and artificial living tanks so that they can come and spy as well. It has gotten so that I have no privacy under constant surveliance like a member of the KGB, well they won't catch me, my brain cell is working out a plan. As soon as it lets me know what the hell it is then I can do something about this invasion.

Seriously they need to watch me, I do some of the dumbest things, besides not letting the wall get out of my way before I walk into it. There are times I really do not know what the hell I am doiing or what I am talking about.  This is geetting more difficult as time goes on and it is suppose to, but it sure plays hell with what i want to do, which I do not know what that is to start with. Yes there has been joy this year two new grandchildren, my new koi pond, which I rarely sit by anymore, actually two ponds. all have mosiquto fish in them, cute little devils they are and do they populate.

Well I guess I have bitched enough, well maybe not, but at least I remembered most of what I wanted to say in this post, which in and of itself is something.  My physcologist would say that I am still in there somewhere, but the question is where.  He has been seeing me and been my friend for a number of years now, his father died from this damned disease, so he knows from where my anger and confusion and thoughts come from.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!
joe

PS: I can go anywhere I want, that is what I am told, but here is the kicker I have to be taken there, real freedom, right!

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What do I see in the future?

My shrink has sent me back to my pshycologist, for help especially since his dad died from AD and he was the first to garee with me on what was taking place in my so called mind. We have been meeting for a couple of weeks again. Known each other close to 6 years.  As we sat and looked at each other, he asked why I was back and I told him.  We talked to kind of catch up to current things. He asked me, "When I look to the future, what do I see?"  My reply after starring for a few moments maybe longer was, "Darkness". I told him for me I see no future, for when you slice it all up and smooth it all out there is nothing there for me.  Just to keep loosing what abilities I have left and then crossing over the line. What is on the other side of the line, I told him I do not know for I have no idea who or what I will be, except that it will not be me. Maybe I will be lucky and pass on before that time comes. See I look at us in this world of Dementia, as throw aways, really, how many families are able to withstand the constant care they need to give us as we move forward with this disease. It definitely has got tear at them to a point of not being able to handle things. Then they have there families and their lives and all that stuff.  So put Mom or Dad or Gramps or Grams in home that can clean them up and do the things they cannot handle. Throw aways that is what we are. Never mind the years that we put into raising them and helping and nuturing and getting their asses out of trouble, that does not matter that was our job not theirs. Will I get shit for this post, YES, do I care NO, because the truth is what it is. I am becoming more distant to family and friends. My "friends" no longer email me except for those stupid forwards, some are funny. I am not part of their world and I guess they do not know how to talk to me anymore. Even those that I know that have a parent with AD and work for Alz. Org.  Bitter I guess, you see I now see my world closing in and not as broad as it once was. I have my moments, but more and more they are lessening, shopping is nearly unbearable for me now. I fear leaving home because I might get lost even though I have to be taken everywhere. Take care and be good to yourselves.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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When Happiness Leaves & Shadows Come

As I walk on this journey of mine, although not alone, it does not seem that way anymore.

The wife and I have tried to have discussion about what is going on with me, but that veil of secrecy that has always been around me seem to be even thicker now. It is becoming more difficult for me to express what is happening and what is inside, because frankly I am not sure what the hell is taking place. I get more lost in my own head then I do elsewhere. Out and about with people is close to being a no no.

Lynn has asked me several times what would make me happy. Each time she has asked I come up with only one answer and that is to die or cross over the line. I no longer like this on the edge shit, it is to confusing, frustrating and just gets in the way of everything. I spend to much time crying inside and I have come to dislike me a great deal. But there really is nothing I can do about that, the disease is doing its job and the meds, even increasing them is not helping. Knew this time would come, just did not want to be here for it. But since I am not the ruler of the universe, be thankful, it is not in my time but his (I wish he would hurry).

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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Last Night

Last night I found myself in very difficult and not likeable sitution.  It was a rough day for me as it was. We sat down for dinner and I put my food on my plate and completely froze. I had no idea what I was doing or what to do, my wife tired to help put I just told her leave me, she put my fork in my hand and it just fel from it, I was in a state of, in betweenness, between here and there. I finally started eating but with my fingers and slowly got back to where I should be. I am about 4 or so years into this and it is taking hold now as it seems to do about this time.

Now I am a beginning to become really concerned and not so humorous, but life will go on and so will I. I guess that line of no return is getting closer and sneakier about things.

Well that is it for now from: us here in Oceanside, CA.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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A Request

Many of you may not know, because the media does not care this is NATIONAL ALZHEIMER'S AWARENESS MONTH. Let your local papers know, let us see if they have the balls to say anything.

Again I ask for pictures, birth year and year of passing of loved ones that died from this damnable disease. Two of you have heard. They need to be remembered for they are the faces of Alzheimer's.

(Yes I used spell checker, so I cheated)!

If you like this blog I ask you to click on the Wellsphere voting Icon on the right and vote for it. I know that many on Wellsphere do not necessarily like it, I am not a caregiver or dr. I just suffer from the disease and try to tell how my life is deteriorating and getting worse as we move to my physical death. Yes the 7th leading cause of death. Probably if death certificates showed the real agent that caused death I am sure that it would be higher. Most to feared diagnosis so it is said, is you have Cancer and You Have Alzheimer's. Help me spread the word Please.

Till next time thanks for your thoughts and help.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Freedom Rings Once More!

Thursday this disease took another from My World. You know it takes owr minds, it takes our emotions, it takes our feelings, it takes our abilities, then it takes our last breathe. But what it does not know iss that it returns it all to us and sets us FREE from its crips. Yes from the grips we snatch Victory. To you my friend Josephine, I can hear you sing your song of Freedom, see you running through the tall grasses under the blue skies. I was blessed, I got to share the big screen with you, but for a moment. Now I know you are free and it brings me hope. Annie God Loves You and so do Lynn and I.

God Bless & Keep You and This Country of Ours!!
joe

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Friends You Got To Love Them.

This came from a friend of mine, who knows there is not much upstairs anymore and that I love old jokes and humor.




A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? ''Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
********************************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me!

I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
<><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><>
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,' Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

********************

Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your hand over my mouth!

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I Am Back, Ready or Not.

You know, no you don't, but this damn disease is a real bitch at times. I find myself having to seperate and kind of hide to keep from lashing out. We have had our one daughter and grand kids and son in law with us almost 3 weeks I think, am not handlin this well. I love them, but.

My wife and I are starting to lock horns more, she thought my last post was rather mean and spiteful, I think that is how she put it. My reply was, well you guessed it eat shit and bark at the moon. I write what I feel and how I see it. It may be clouded it maybe one sided, but it is all I know. I make no excuses for what and how I put it. Those that live in this World with me, they know, they understand and hopefully I say what they cannot at least for now, while I am able to . Yes I am angry as I write this today, better to put it here than where else I might.

Ino We that live with AD, really find ourselves fucked up alot of the time, understanding the real confusion and loss we feel is difficult I know for those on the outside looking in. See we can not get back to the outside to look in, we are stuck here and sinking deeper. Try to imagine the darkness starting to encase you slowly and you cannot stop it and you want out and NO not for you. What is that old saying when Casey at The Bat struck out, there is no joy in mudville.

Well enough from me. You all have a great day and wonderful life.
God know the idiots in Washington won't fix it, but only screw us more.
joe

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!

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We Will Always Remember!!!!!!!!

Lest we forget why we are FREE!!!!! To OUR TROOPS and FALLEN COMRADES, I Salute You.

God Bless You All & God Bless Our Country!!!
Joe

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Thank God For Friends - They Make Me Laugh!

This came from a frien, who rote it I do not know, but you will find me in this.


I was gonna write something here _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _




Forgetter Be Forgotten

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the heck was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???
I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO !
LIVE, LOVE & LAUGH A LOT

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!!!!!!
joe

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Yes I am Here, I Think!

Beeen somewhere for ahwile but not exactlly sure where. Have been attempting to build sume businesses on-line for the family for xtra income, once I cross that line. I feel it coming closer each day. I am really getting to be a pain. I have been arguing Politics whith a friend and have not been exactly kind in what I have said. He supports the Pres. and I do not trust him as far as I can throw an Elephant.OOh well so much for that. The Joe that started this blog cple of years ago is not here anymore. Infact the one that wrote her last year is gone. This is the part of the loss of me (dying) that bohters me, who will I become and what. Death of my body does not bother me, in fact it will be a blessing. I know my family is making memmories with me for when I am not here and that makes me happy. My youngest daughter, cut my hair. She called it a caldusec look, because we buzzzes the topand just trimed the sides. The name is because we live on a caldusac. When the sides stand up, because combing is not in my world, my wife calls me Albert, because I remind her of Albert Einstein, not bad company. Well you all have fun.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours! in case you forgot BHO this is the symbol of our Country.
Joe

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Lack of Feed Back!

I use to get many more emails and comments on my postings, with over 12,000 visitors I brain thinks I would hear more. I guess maybe of late I have tried to show too much humor and people want the gore. Well the humor is howw I keepp my self together. Without it thiss life would be darn near unbearabel. I is no fun trust me sitting here tryiing to write to you and tell you that the wolrd really sucks.I does not get out of my head to the keyboard when I want it to. Tihngs do not get better here, they just slowly go down hill. I read all the new studiies and new stuff to try and I really laugh at this so calllled professionals. They all contradict each other, I wonder if they are not suffers as well. March to stamp out Alhzeimers, RIGHT! Asses don't even know what really causes it to start wity, great progress in over 100 years. I am not thrilled with having AD & FTD, but that is the way it is period. You should try it some day, look at people you have been with for 30+ years and not even know who they are, let alone what the hell they are talking about. Damn most of the time I am not sure what I am saying or trying to say. Well old ½ of brain cell here will say good bye for now. Be good to yourselves.

God Bless You and This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Where is Yesterday?

It is beocming harder each day to remember yesterday, let alone try today, even this monring. Here we are mid October per the calendar and I am somewere in September. I feel like I am altogether but I am totallly confused as to what to do next. This is not fun. But it is the hand I was dealt so I play the cards and see what they do and try to understand them. The new meds seem to help the pains in the chest and the sweating whrn walking or doing some work. So I gues complaining is just whimpy on my part. I wish I had the words to discribe what it is like to be in this World that I and others like me live in. It reallly sucks. First you know then you forget and then you do not remember forgetting what it was that you knew. If tha makes no sense to you ok, but it does to me. My frustration with others is growing and I go off more quickly then usual. I started this today with my thoughts all together and now they are some where in space and time. Did use postit notes but I found I did not read them or kept doing them over and over, now who knows what works. My brain sure does not know and many times I just don't give a damn, it is to hard to put the thoughts together. It is easier to just leave the old grey matter alone. Till next time.

God Bless You and This County Of Ours!
joe

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Lost in Time!

Wow here it is amlost the midlddle of September, where have I been. It seems like as each day passes I become less and less aware of the day, date, week, month or the time. It is all seemilgy running together. It is like today is almost a repeat of yesterday. I now have problems with some of my conversations, my tongue seems to get in the way and I get all screwed up in what I am saying, so I gust wave my hands and say latter. Which of course latter does not come because I for get what I was saying in the first place. It seems to be this whole time affect first forward then backwards, drives me nuts (that is a short drive). I find that i get more irritable as time goes on, I try to handle it but well sometimes that is just the way things happen. I did not even realise that we were this far into this mont. Halloween will be here and I will not know it, except for the candy and the tricker treators. Well I guess I will go do something, probably something of no importance, but it will be something I think.

God Bless You and This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Howdy

It has been awhile since I posted, I sit down in fromt of this thing to do it and that is wehere it ends.I have been in sort of a place that I am not famliar with, don't ask where because I do not know. Physically I am starting to suffer more of the progress of this wonderfulo disease. It is begning to scare me more now. I stand in the house, and wonder where the hell I am. After awhile I lie down on the couch or whatever and go to sleep and the hours go away. So does the confusion and mystery fo what things are. I feel more lonely in theis World of Mine now even when people are areound me. Sometimes waking up and seeing my wife next to me scares the living (&(&^^ out of me because I am not sure who she is. Then the brain kicks in a all is well. I tire quickly and fall alot now, I guess that old Ford has caught up to me and passed me by.

I used to wonder what tomorrow would bring, now I am not sure about the rest of today. I do this for you who care for those like me so you know why we act the way we do and it has nothing to do with you, it is us.

God Bless You and this Country of Ours!
Joe

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GOD, WHY?

You know I have asked the above question all of my life. Not just since I have gotten AD & FTD, to be sure they have not helped the situation. The question is not what you think, GOD WHY ME? No not at all. Most of my life has been screwed up, probably mostly my own fault, except my early childhood, did I have one, no I live in a house of hell part of Satans spawn. At least with the dementia some of it is leaving me now. You should see my wife as she tries to stop me from falling off the courch or the bed. It is hard to stop a rolling whale. I ask mostly, GOD WHY AM I ALIVE & WHY WAS I BORN? Looking over me and my life there is nothing special about me nor do I seem to have contributed much to this life, taken oh yes.Now my thoughts get mixed between yesterday, today and whatever comes into this brain of mush that I have. It is starting to get a bit touchier, I look at those I should know and wonder who the f&*^ is that, and it is my wife or one of the kids. I have moments that I feel perfectly "normal" (do not think I ever was that), and all of a sudden everything goes to helll in a hand basket and I have no idea what I am doing, why I am doing it or where. I spend little time doing things I used to. I start, forget and then wind up somewhere else doing something different or just sitting wondering WHY? Well enough out of me.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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What Will Your Dash Say?

I received this for a friend in Britian that suffers the pains of this disease of ours, if you read and follow the the link, you will see that we still can feel and cry for others and not just ourselves.


Subject: : remembering Suzette May 1965 - July 2006

----- Original Message -----
From:006


This is very touching, especially for those of us who have lost someone special
but for all of us and how we live our lives. Hope you enjoy. You may need a
tissue. It takes about 3 mins. ML



The Dash

In July 2006, shortly after Suzette left us, a 3-minute movie was launched
on the Internet called The Dash. Since then, over 40 million people from
around the world have watched it; and over 20,000 a day continue to watch it as
a result of people passing it along.
;
The movie has been more successful than we could have ever imagined. More
importantly, however, it has inspired many, many people to reflect on their
lives and ask THE all important question, 'Are my priorities where they should
be?'

I hope you enjoy this movie and share it with those who are close to you. as
ever, Jul
Click This Link to View: www.dashpoemmovie.com turn Speakers On.

God Bless You & This Country of ours!
Joe

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A Day of Anger

I do not know who did this sketch but it stirs my insides greatly.

This day or at least my brain and emotions ar on the rampage. Everything in pissing me off even this blog. Nobody has don anthing to me, I just am not in any type of control of myself this day.I kind of remember reding that these things would become paart of my life, and they suck. I was vacuuming the rugs downstatirs this morning and attacking them as if they were my enemies, my mind is filled with mud I think, no control . Good thing I am alone right now I think I would hit someone if the said the wrong thing, maybe this post will help who knows. All I know is I want to go home and be in green pastures with my Lords' creatures to romp and play. My mind, heart and soul are heavy this day and they should not be. I nolonger take Aricept or Namenda at doctors orders, because they did nothing for me and people I talk to with this disease seem to vary from them miraculously being sharp as ever to having such reaactions they almost died, great shit isn't it. Maybe it will or won't help and it just might kill you, great choice. I am even angry at my family, wife and all, and they have done nothing. I don't feel that they really understand the hell in my head and insides, I try to control it but of late the amountt of time I can seeems to be growing shorter maybe some so9da will help.

God Bless You and This Country of Ours!
Joe

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