Well Good Morning World! Yes it is me again you lucky people.

I have been puzzled, confused or whatever over something. You caregivers out their and even you suffers can help me with this. Ther are days that I get up and ready to take on the wolrd and my brain in on fire. The all of a sudden i am like, Robby the robot in Forbiden Planet all my circuts start to short out and I am just plain fricken out of it. I do not understand this, most of the time I kind of walk on eggs because I am not sure where I am or how I feel or what is taknig place in my brain. Have any of you seen or experienced this? It is really concerning. Kind of like here today, gone in a minute. Well I am 66 today, who would have thunk it, not me. Still a pain in the ass about things.
Food no longer intersets me either. Eat or don't eat ok by me. The food just does not hold any enticement I think that is the world anylonger. Things I loved to eat just do nothing for me. I have to be reminded now or asked about eating, not part of my list today. Oh well starting to ranble.

Take care of yourselves.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!!
joe

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What is in YOUR Refrigerator?

A few years ago we had the kitcehn remodeled. New Honey Oak Cabinets, with black nobs with dark cherry wood centers, the walls in a chocolate color, and a Brazilian Cherry Hardwood Floor, Black Stove & Microwave and a Black & Stainless Steel Dishwasher.  Then there sat6 are very old but working fine White Refrigerator. So for years you know who has been bitching for one to match, yes me. Well we just purchased a new one. Reasons, much more energy efficient then are 15 year old one, quieter, it has crushed ice a must for me, but most importantly it is BLACK and matches the decor. Happy am I, yes, except for opening it.

You see the last one the bottom drawers were solid and you could not see what was in them. This one they are CLEAR and you see everything. So what you say, well let me tell you there are creatures in those bins. I open the door and they stare at me, I know they want me. I cannot look at them, sill y yess, but that is how my brain reacts to them.Lynn just says Joe, get over yourself and deal with it. Not so simple, things like this are creeping into my life now and I can only wonder what lies ahead. The part of my brain that still understands logic laughs at me, but there is that growing part that sees and witnesses strange things and seems to have more control. The stuff in thre drawers seems to have eyes and moves when I look at it, not anyone else, just me and that is what really counts is how I feel about it.Well I guess I will just have to outfit myself for hunting when I go to the refrig that way I am prepaired for any attack.

Thank you all for being here for me.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!
joe


PS: PLEASE NOTE IN MEMORY OF PHOTOS NOW HAVE THEIR OWN PAGE!!!!!!!!

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What do I see in the future?

My shrink has sent me back to my pshycologist, for help especially since his dad died from AD and he was the first to garee with me on what was taking place in my so called mind. We have been meeting for a couple of weeks again. Known each other close to 6 years.  As we sat and looked at each other, he asked why I was back and I told him.  We talked to kind of catch up to current things. He asked me, "When I look to the future, what do I see?"  My reply after starring for a few moments maybe longer was, "Darkness". I told him for me I see no future, for when you slice it all up and smooth it all out there is nothing there for me.  Just to keep loosing what abilities I have left and then crossing over the line. What is on the other side of the line, I told him I do not know for I have no idea who or what I will be, except that it will not be me. Maybe I will be lucky and pass on before that time comes. See I look at us in this world of Dementia, as throw aways, really, how many families are able to withstand the constant care they need to give us as we move forward with this disease. It definitely has got tear at them to a point of not being able to handle things. Then they have there families and their lives and all that stuff.  So put Mom or Dad or Gramps or Grams in home that can clean them up and do the things they cannot handle. Throw aways that is what we are. Never mind the years that we put into raising them and helping and nuturing and getting their asses out of trouble, that does not matter that was our job not theirs. Will I get shit for this post, YES, do I care NO, because the truth is what it is. I am becoming more distant to family and friends. My "friends" no longer email me except for those stupid forwards, some are funny. I am not part of their world and I guess they do not know how to talk to me anymore. Even those that I know that have a parent with AD and work for Alz. Org.  Bitter I guess, you see I now see my world closing in and not as broad as it once was. I have my moments, but more and more they are lessening, shopping is nearly unbearable for me now. I fear leaving home because I might get lost even though I have to be taken everywhere. Take care and be good to yourselves.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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Me & April

Gramps & April

There you have it, the good looking one is in the blanket, the old fart well we all know who that is. Want to share some of the good with you also.  Number eight and not counting.

God Bless All,
joe

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When Happiness Leaves & Shadows Come

As I walk on this journey of mine, although not alone, it does not seem that way anymore.

The wife and I have tried to have discussion about what is going on with me, but that veil of secrecy that has always been around me seem to be even thicker now. It is becoming more difficult for me to express what is happening and what is inside, because frankly I am not sure what the hell is taking place. I get more lost in my own head then I do elsewhere. Out and about with people is close to being a no no.

Lynn has asked me several times what would make me happy. Each time she has asked I come up with only one answer and that is to die or cross over the line. I no longer like this on the edge shit, it is to confusing, frustrating and just gets in the way of everything. I spend to much time crying inside and I have come to dislike me a great deal. But there really is nothing I can do about that, the disease is doing its job and the meds, even increasing them is not helping. Knew this time would come, just did not want to be here for it. But since I am not the ruler of the universe, be thankful, it is not in my time but his (I wish he would hurry).

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

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Messing Up

I have been making some changes, and probably should have had someone else make them. A few things have disappeared and others moved to second page with everything else.  Eventuallly I hope this will all get fixed right.

The skype call button now works after months of well disconnect. See they require you put in your correct user name, can you believe that. So finally I RTFM'd (back in my computer days that meant Read The Fucking Manual), and found I forgot a (.) period in my user name. So if you have tryed without success, it seems to be working now.

Hope to have thr rest of the mes cleaned up soon. Brain cell is getting overloaded.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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The Relentless Killer Alhziemers.

Normally I talk about how this affects me, today I like to beg the question, "Do You Really Know How This Disease Kills?"

I suggest to many of you your real and honest answer is not really. They tell us (the know it alls), that we forget things slowly, forget to eat, bathe, etc. and then linger and die.  Well I in my limited capacity suggest to you that they are chuck full of shit. Joseph forgets none of these things, that which is Joseph. What happens really is that my brain, that finally tuned sharp as a tact organ, does the fucking up.

You see when my stomache or body sends the enzymes and nerve messages to my glorious brain that I am hungry and need to eat, the damned thing no longer understands, it now speaks a second language. My bladder and intestines scream, so it listens to my ears of course they have nothing to do with those lower class forlks and well you can guess the result. As time goes on my brain no longer recognizes smells, so who needs to bathe?

Latter I die do to liver failure (the second death). Why? Well stupid upstairs answered the wrong phone call, not the one for instructions from the liver, but the bladder. Or my heart stops, why, because Mr. genious was trying to tell me my toe hurt. Get the picture. I will physically die as others because my brain will no longer under stand it's own unique coding system to keep me functioning. NOT ME, not my doing, the grey matter will be out to lunch. As the old saying goes, THE LIGHTS ARE ON, BUT NOBODY IS HOME!

What brought this to my train of thought was The Forbidden Planet, where the robot is given a command and it's electrical signals (the brain) went into turmoil and with nothing to counter act the order it would just go kaput.  So goes our brain, kaput. A bunch of ramdom requests made by our organs that just confuse the hell out of it, so they all shut down and so does it. Process not compatible with life, THE END.

Simple stated yes, but it is that basic. Now all the brilliant ones can tell me how wrong I am, with their fancy words that when boiled down to their basic elements will be just kaput.

You see I grow weary with all the BS of how much more we understand and all the strides made. I say to you then "WHY ARE THEIR NO SURVIVORS?" It is simple you do not have the answers and are not even close. You study rats and mice, I am neither, you study dead brains (wow they can speak), mine is still alive, study mine and others like me, maybe then you may get some real answers. I do not mean your normal 100 or 200 particpatnt studies, try one of 10,000 there are more than enough of us.

You all claim that about 5.5 million people (this country only) are affected by AD in this country, I submit you are wrong. I have AD and I affect, my wife, mother-in-law, five children, physc, GP, physcologist, 7 grandchildren and about 5 friends. That is a total of 22 people affected by me. Lets say that 5.5 million onlyy affect a total of 7 each, that means that 38,500,000 people are affected. Why are we still put on the back of the bus? I wonder what the cost in $$$$$ is, billions yearly, maybe that will catch your dead ears.

Till later take care and be kind to yourselves. My brain now hurts.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!  
Joe

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Need Some Thoughts.

I know that a number of people with AD and other forms of Dementia read my site as well as a number of care givers. I had something happen to me yesterday that has me well shall we say concerned for what might lye ahead. I need some advise if any of you have experienced this.

I got up, nothing special, but I went about the day doing what I had to without any type of mental or physical interruption. My wife's computer has been giving her fits, so I spent 10.5 hours on completely rebuilding it and setting it back to where it should be will all files she lost. This all took place without skipping a heart beat. I felt completely in control and as if it were 7 or more years ago. For me I felt normal, whatever that is or was.

What scares me is, what the hell does this mean and is it something that happens at times, because I wonder if a bigger slide is comming and this was a sort of last hurrah.  Any insight would be helpfull.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!

Joe

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What Day Is It?

Many of you probably find that an easy question. Well around here it is asked who knows how many times each day. Then I always ask are you sure. Of course minutes later I ask all over again. My wife smiles so pleasantly and reminds me one mor time. After awhile my daughter will just say Dad it doesn't matter. I guess she is right. See to me it is always someday but I am not sure which one. If I rember I will ask from now on "Is Today, Today". hopefully it will lessen some of the frustration. But first I have to remember , now that is another story.

Oh well life goes on and I just keep doing whatever it is I do. Thanks for listening, stay well and be good to yourselves.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Grandparents Again!

Yes at 10:26AM our 7th grandchild was born. His name is Lucas, by emergency C section. 2 months early. We are leaving for Petaluma, early tomorrow to help or do what it is grandparents do do.

Fish pond disaster after our storms, but what the heck we are fixing, repairs now on hold.

My brain hurts and is not handling this well. Till next time.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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Couple of Things.

Well I am back here at the monster again.

I am still asking for those of you who would like their loved ones, friends, etc. who have passed from AD to send me their picture, first name, birth year and year of being set free. As you see so far only 3 people have felt that their loved one's should be honored, what about the rest of you? Yes I can get snotty.

The chatroom will disappear soon, I only paid for it for a year and I do not know if anyone has used it, so goes life.

Also NOTICE if you have skype on your computer, headphones, microphone and speakers you can call me free just click on CALL ME button. If i am on we will talk.

Things in this world of mine are getting a bit out of touch with me. I feel like I am beginning to seperate into two different folks, the one who knows (as if I ever did) what they are doing and one who hasn't a clue.

We finally finished our second KOI pond, Sept to now, not bad. Waiting for the season to warm up to bring in new fish, lost ½ of my others. Home projects I still like but they are becoming very hazardous to me. I built a square box around the pond for cemment so that the pavers vor the patio could be laid straight and shot my self in the finger with the nail gun. Then while laying the bricks one by one and setting them I smashed the same finger with the mallet, of course I really warmed up for that brick setting. Finally has feeling coming back in it. Golden years, kiss my butt.

Wife is now home with me for not sure how long, I guess until she cannot take me anymore or I send her back to work. Wants to do toooooo many things. What a pest, but I love her, so sorry guys I am keeping her, in it for the money now.

I am still amazed at my friend Mary in Canada, how she posts almost daily, I just cannot get it together to do that.

If you have a blog or website, that is not in my lisk of links and want it there email me jolynn1@cox.net with the name and I will enter it. I do follow alll the links I have, in the back part of blogger you can list those you want to follow and you get continual updates as people post, really neat. I just need to comment more, get to involved then forget what I am doing and walk away in disgust,

Well before I babble a brook you all have a great day. I am going to hide from the rain.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Anger Sits With Me This Day.

Since HBO has ran and is running the documentery on AD, I have had a slew of emails from this country, Chilie, Brazil, Canada, Australia, Israel, just all over. What has gotten to me is the YOUNG PEOPLE, who have suffered the loss or are suffering a parent and a grandparent and because of this special they want to do something to help. Wow I say, and the adults in this country and around the World have sat on their asses all this time, yes even the tauted medical profession. I hear we have come along way since 1906 or 1908 whenever AD was coined. How far have we come is it in real knowledge, help, knowing the CAUSE, curing or is it just plain ass TIME? I read the studies and that contradict each other, the so called quak cures and how to stop and cure it. But yet I have not read on single word mentioning a persons name that has been cured.....
Oh let us march for a cure, bull shit. Let us first march to find the cause, no cause no cure, that is how it works. Yes these folks will do good in raising funds and maybe some awareness to help in the research on the disease. But since it does not affect your boobs, balls, prostate, colon or lungs, I guess it just does not warrant the NFL or other major playes to do anything. You know I have seen the cancer marches, heart disease, etc. and people where T-Shirts, "I AM A SURVIOR OF CANCER". Watch the walks for AD and find me a picture of just one person that has a shirt that says, 'I AM A SURVIVOR OF ALHZIEMERS OR DEMENTIA"! find it, it will not exist, we all die period. I know Iwill get hate mail and the such, but bring it on, truth stands on my side. Ask the literally 10's of millions around this World that have been affected by it having or knowing one. I do not take the other killers, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, obesity, aids, etc. lightly but boy are there a lot of people (baby boomers) in for the ride of their life, with no real help.

Straight talk from one who suffers and is declining, I hope that I enrage you enough to do something and get rid of socialized medicine it is a failure and by God, do not just take your Drs. word for what is wrong, make hin/her explain why and in detail. It is your LIFE and your BODY that is at stake.

God Bless You & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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As The Weeks Go By

The last few weeks I have beeen working with others to bring more excitement to my blog
things I havve added, I once could have done in minutes by myself, they have taken days with help. Things are not well in my head nor do they seeem to be inside either. My shrink has suggested I go back to my physco. guy and my physician for some help. But I am a stubborn bastard and well you can guess the rest.

If I can remember why i have the note on my computer that says "BLOG" maybe I will post more often, even when I have nothing to say, which is gettting to be most of the time now.

God Bless You and This Country of Ours!
Joe

PS No brains, if David S. would send me the linke to his blog, use the email form near botton I would be glad to read & comment and tie to my blog.

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GOOD MORNING WORLD!

hope you are all fine. Chat seems to be working out ok. Have gotten to talk with some nice people. One in particular a 21 yr old woman in Boston, who at her age has taken on the daunting task of working in an Assisted Living Facility and going to host an Alhziemer's Proget meeting. I know what it takes to work in such a facility, you see that is where my mind was made up at an early age, while I handle the computer systems for 3 facilities, never would I live the way I saw. My heart broke working there.

I have gotten a few that well shall we say have not been really forward, challenge them and they disappear, oh well.

I have been told to write a bok about this journey and I hae tried but you know I thought about it and said yes good ideaa. But then I started to think, something ya thnik. I am writing a book here, completely unedited. Certainly not proof read and things but neatly. But this is a living book ever changing, always wanted to write one andnow my brain realizes after how many years at this, that I am.

A little slower on the uptake these days. Well now, I lost my train and my thoughts, fuck I hate this shit. Catch Ya Latter.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Something Different From Me

Yes a big HELLO to you all. I wish to thnak all of you who write to me. And those of you whose blogs I have listed although I may not leave comments I do read them in the back office of my blog, where I constantly recieve your updates,. This morning is calm for me, feels strange. But it is like the weather wait a minute things will change, so I though I would get this off now. Your sharing of your troubles with your loved ones brings a sense of calmness to me at times. See it is nice to know (unfortunately), that I am not alone out here. I want to say thank you for being there for me, it truly helps. You know you can comment however you chose, good, bad, rotten, ugly, beautiful, your choisce but remember I do not edit comments and they get posted as written. That is how I post and you deserve the same.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Yes I am Here, I Think!

Beeen somewhere for ahwile but not exactlly sure where. Have been attempting to build sume businesses on-line for the family for xtra income, once I cross that line. I feel it coming closer each day. I am really getting to be a pain. I have been arguing Politics whith a friend and have not been exactly kind in what I have said. He supports the Pres. and I do not trust him as far as I can throw an Elephant.OOh well so much for that. The Joe that started this blog cple of years ago is not here anymore. Infact the one that wrote her last year is gone. This is the part of the loss of me (dying) that bohters me, who will I become and what. Death of my body does not bother me, in fact it will be a blessing. I know my family is making memmories with me for when I am not here and that makes me happy. My youngest daughter, cut my hair. She called it a caldusec look, because we buzzzes the topand just trimed the sides. The name is because we live on a caldusac. When the sides stand up, because combing is not in my world, my wife calls me Albert, because I remind her of Albert Einstein, not bad company. Well you all have fun.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours! in case you forgot BHO this is the symbol of our Country.
Joe

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To My Wife!!!!!!!!

Happy 30 years of putting up with me. Thanks for marring me you have made it worthwhile.

Love,
Joe

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Hurray For Tuesday!!!!!!!

Yes normally I post how cruddy things are but Today is different. It is time to say Happy Birthday to the newest member of our family, Ms. Kiaya Lynn Patterson, born Tuesday 1/27/2009 at 2:56 PM. Towering over the Empire State Building standing 21" tall. Yes and you guys best becareful she weighted in at a solid 8lbs 14oz, more than capable of slapping you one upside the head if you get fresh. Please join these grandparents in wishing Morgan & Ross, along with Kaiya, Chase & Lilly all of God's blessing and happiness.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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Lost In Time!

I have jsut relized that we are already at the 10th of January. A new president willl take office in ten days I think it is. When I first got the wonderful news of this new paradise that I am to lvie in, it did not bother me too much. I felt that as with ofther things it was just my turn, deal with it. It was not bad at first I had many good days with small moments in them and then days that just who the hell knows where I was. But they have seemed to merge together. Truly I have a proble with what day it is, even though I keep a calendar by my computer and mark the days off. I have gone back to sticky notes, but the real kick is remembering to use this stuff. I am not angry with the condition, but it really plays hell with you. I do not venture out alone, who knows where I will be. I find spending lengths of time with outrthers becoming quite uncomfortable and extremely distracting. My patients, which I never had, just does not handle it well. I am loosing my train here, so I guess I will go wait for a bus. Catch Ya later.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

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This Pretty Well Sums It Up!

The folowing is form some friends of mine, slightly more mature than I and walk in my World. Though I forget many of a friend until I get an email, it still amazesss me that you can grow to love and care about those you have never seen or shared a spoekn word with.

HOW TRUE IT IS

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'..

We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too darn old!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR
& thanks for making my days enjoyable by your Blog and e-mails funny or sad .

Wally & Delores

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
joe

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